2/25/2011

Well here I am on here yet again. I have nothing to do anymore other then these four classes, which I can barely even do those. LOL!

Today was unusually odd. The weather here is super sunny but yet its hot but really windy so it make it cold with the wind chill. I miss my modesto weather. How I gotten so ust to how it is. Although during the summer I tend to stay in all day everyday just because the triple digit weather is so intense and being inside with the air conditioner is so nice. Because its so airy and the days just seam to fly away with house at ease it is. Being with the one I loved made it all better though.


I don't have a room yet. It is pre occupied at the moment and all of my stuff is everywhere. I have bags here and bags their, so my stuff is all laid out at the momemnt. They have two dogs and where just getting over being puppies. They have ruined this apartment. The carpet was new and fresh paint. Now the carpet is all fucked up and stanky, their new couch reaks and has so many spots all on it. Blood everywhere from the dog being on her period. ICK! And all my expensive clothes are on this. Im so disgusted. This house stinks. Once I get the room I am going to clean it up with such deepest cleaning anyone has ever done to a room. I am going to be excited to actually get my own room though because This has never been the instence since I was at least 16. SO it will be weird at first having all of this new things going on. But I should be able to live better then how I am doing now.

I had just lost my husband and ended up leaving my home city to live in this crazy huge city where I am sleeping on the couch the is disgusting and all my shit laying out everywhere. Some of my shit is going to get chewed up or even peed on. So You know what its what ever. I have nothing else I can do. It is going to be weird sleeping on a twin bed again though. I haven't slept on one of those in some time. It kind of excites me but then again makes me miss being with Aaron next to me the entire time. I love him so much that I don't know how to live with out him. Being next to him the this entire time for like 5 years has made me one with him. Where I feel completely naked with out knowing that he is coming home to me. Not just coming home to me but also just having with me at almost every second doing everything that this world has together. Watching every movie with him and tv shows. We even love the same genre of books. We loved board games but I am competitive. lol. That and we didn't have room to harbor them so we never really spent the money on many games. Music that we enjoyed together is always playing constantly. Hearing his voice soothes me to sleep with his warmth.


Wow. Sorry I tend to get a little deep on a lot of things going on through my head. I am always just sitting here wondering.


School is kicking me in the ass. I have to do Procedures in the Justice system (202) mid term on chapters 1-6. And that is scaring the shit out of me right now cause it says it is a 2 hour test. And i havn't read any of this book, Aaron helped me out with so much of it that I didn't actually learn or remember much of it. Not just that but Community Policing (205) class has a chapter test on chapter 7 which should go smoothly. The point of actually getting it done is my problem. The motivation is never their but the motivation for everything else is forever their. Lol. but I also have Criminal Investigation (212) chapter test which that chapter test is for chapter 7 as well. Ugh repetition is a bitch I guess. Well this will actually completely help me out though because now I can activate my brain to do more of everything else that I don't do. Drug use and abuse (217) has a chapter test for chapter 7 too. Eeeeek so many things to do this weekend. That I am unsure that I am going to be able to do all of this before I have to because it is going to be the weekend. And my brother wants to come home and get drunk and do some crazy thing called ambien. This is something that I would never consider. Which I am going to try to fool them that I did it. End up just getting super drunk because I have been needing to get a lil tipsy here and there... Alright well diff subject now :D



My phone is so broken right now. I have metro pcs and have the blackberry curve 8530. It is a really nice phone. Aaron actually bought it for me for my 20th bday. Which made me really happy :D But well It has been deleting all my contacts lately and just having so many problems with it that I have no idea what is going on with it anymore. I love this phone and I can't understand why this is doing that. I had went to metro pcs in modesto like a week and a half ago, I was supposed to get a call about it. I swear I should of just did the 30 dollar get a new phone. UGH! Well about that. I am getting my school check next month. Im not sure if I have to buy the hotel anymore for my birthday because I think I could get people to take me somehow. I dunno. Its all good though. I just hope Aaron will still go with me. That's all I really care about. lol. So with not knowing if I have to buy my ticket or not I think I am getting AT&T'a new motorola atrix 4g :D omg. well thats if i think I could afford it. Sophia says that I can be added to their family plan. But it should be like 40 bucks for all of it a month extra, but almost no mins. And I would like to be able to call Aaron as much as I want. I might have to get cricket. Because it is out here in san diego and metro pcs is not. So this hella sucks. My nice new expensive phone is ghetto out here. Ugh!.


Well sophia is hasseling me to go with her to get pizza. SO I will be right back.

I love you if you read any of this :D (at least someone is listening)

recent pictures.

Just some pictures from what has or was this past weekish.

I will forever miss my sexy man :/

These Pictures where the day of valentines day. I will always remember this amazing day with my husband. I love this man with everything I am. I just wish I still had him to love and hold me like we just were the other day. I am doing actually really bad. No one notices it. No one realizes that I am alone and need comfort. But the sad part is that I just wish he would hug me kiss my forhead and tell me everything is going to be fine like he would always do. He was the most perfect guy anyone could ever meet.

Aaron I really need you. I'm crying typing all of this.


.. if you are reading this, that is..

if so I posted this cute pic of me that you took. ILY! <3 href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjOl8Gpy8DjtaWpu43bVz6k4cWCcEjmYGL37ZEYArhHsTaB7eMdU29qDNlGYQ9L36NsyJ7kMDCBRrDYGYvJi9FFJgY4jfTK6EieaPMwk0HxHwgCW1zdgrhCcauvpPswfB4_rVNbBT9nf8Y/s1600/DSC09154.JPG">And this picture is for my own enjoyment. He is so fucking gorgeous! <3

This Video may be super old. But he this is what I have been watching over and over and over on my phone. I am so sad. This is pathetic. I cry to a video of my husband or I guess ex in his eyes because I want to here him say that he loves me.

A couple bad things happened today. I went to take a shower, Waited forever for Aaron to come in and join me. But I forgot I wasn't at home with my chubby hubby. I broke down in that shower. I wanted to have him in their with me so bad. I am so pathetic. :/ Another instance: I went to go get my computer. His pirates of the carribean banky was in their with pictures of him and drawings he did that I all love to death with the valentines day card with all the notes and love stuff he has been writing to me. I am such a emotional wreck. I need him in my life. I need to see his smile and hold his hand. Another thing: Everything I look at I would comment about it to Aaron, well I was doing that tonight with sophia and jimmy in the room. Expecting to hear Aaron's voice say something back about what I got excited about like usual. But nothing but why are you talking? Or shush up tv is on. I need my baby. I have no one to talk to or to go to. I am all alone and I don't know if I can do this with out you. You kicked my ass in line and had me doing so good as a person. whatever. I'm crying to much so i gotta go.

This pain is to strong.


Aaron I MISS YOU!


I can't stop crying so I will post again maybe tomorrow.

I love you If you where reading this and listening to me. :/

new life

I don't know what is going to be for me when I get out of here.

Do I even remember being able to be my own person?


I rely on Aaron for so much. Even the little things. Everything I look at or even here or taste I think of Aaron. We spent over 4 years together. Being insuperable. I have experience my entire growing up ages with him, I am not sure if I can do this alone. Who will I become or what am I even going to do in my life. All the goals I have thought I had are all gone now. Everything is blank. I am writing on a new peice of paper in my life and I dunno if I want to rip it or keep writing my story.

Even though we are not together. I really do love Aaron with all my heart. I may be the bipolar bitch that has problems. But in this world who doesn't fuck up, we are only human and humans fuck up daily. No one can be perfect. All in all I wish him the best of luck. I don't know how I am going to do this with out him. I just want to make sure he is going to be happy. If he isn't going to be happy then maybe he will need me back. Someday I hope he could forgive me. This is probably highly unlikely. We all grow up, and I know it is time for me to continue school or if that goes under then go into the Navy then come back and finish school. The hard thing is that, With all of this hope I would still end up back in Modesto for at least over a year just so I can finish up my school. I could finish up what ever I can online so that when I come back I can get myself a job and only have to take like 2 classes that are mandatory. I feel bad that I am going to have to fail 2 classes. These other 4 classes are kicking my ass, But I need to try and succeed at them. I will, but I need so much help that Aaron does for me.

He is the reason why I wake up Happy every morning. Because I usually wake up cuddling with him and sleeping next to his cuteness. I will miss his touch, his love, the way he looks at me, the smiles he gives me, the unconditional hope that transpires to take care of me more then himself, the way he could always make me smile and laugh when I am crying or down, when im stressed he always found a way to fix my problems. This list can go on forever. 5 years of built up emotions. I am losing more then a lover, I am losing my best friend. I have never knew anyone as much as I knew him. And I never let anyone know as much as he did, we really did connect on so many levels. Life is a bitch and I can't belive I ruined it. But this has been comming for me for awhile now. I just need to understand and learn from this, and not let my crazy bitchyness get out of control.


I don't think I ever want to date anyone else. I can't even think about that. Starting new with someone else is just not the answer for me. I know I am going to be singele for awhile

New Beginning.

2/17/2011



My new beginning is something I have been trying to work on. This is not a instant goal. But this goal is prolonged. I have been working on change. Change is good but I have been changing for the worse so I am going to list my problems so I can review my problems. Right them down so I can see what I need to change. Somewhere that I can see all the problems so that I am able to sort them out. So here is the many problems I have with either stress or things I need to do, such as mini goals and school. So please don't read to much into this because this is somthing I need to put out their so I can have more hope to fix the problems that occur in my life.
: school anxiety has built up again, so much to read and remember in such short times, trying to balance my home life with my love life, keeping up with chores, keeping up with P90X videos, trying to please my best friends without the drama, my addiction to online shopping, my problem with always having a nap, scared to eat in front of random people, I like to binge, I have a problem with always taking pictures of usually anything, to always shave every other day, quit smoking (EEeeeKKk), encourage aaron more, keep up my perseverance and confidence, Stop letting people use me, stop thinking everyone likes me and learn to let go, slow down on partying, learn English and grammar, get rid of my belly, stop letting people walk all over me with my money, stop giving people cigarette's because 5 dollars a day for cigs is expensive, lacquer my desk before it gets ruined, stop mixing alcohol with caffeine because it makes me impulsive and do dumb shit and everything I say is lies, stop buying hollister clothes and buy more adult clothes (dressy/classy/sexy), learn to call the doctor a week before to get a refill on my prescription instead of a day before I am out, also keep trying to become a ninja in Aaron and I's apartment (old house and it shakes the whole complex when we walk, and our front door slams and shakes at least 4 apartments. LOL >_<), stop being embarrassed to wash clothes at a laundry mat or even using our laundry on cite, also putting away all the clothes after washing everything right away, stop leaving stuff out when I shower, when taking clothes off from smoking or not to not just throw them in our living room and instead put them away where they belong, when I cook to not throw everything everywhere and do the dishes right away so it does not pile up, do at least the dishes everyday so that their will always be less and not so intimidating, when I wake up I wish it was habit to stretch and make the bed but I usually just wake up smoke a stoag them jump right in the shower or eat something then get into the shower(lallygagging)


Wow this list took me forever. I would say everything I do I wish I could change. Isn't that sad or what :/



Well I will get back to here. Pretty much about future stuff that goes on in my life.


I love you

ps. Please don't take anything I said out of context. Or even make drama by the things I have said. This is how I feel what I need to do. In order to keep myself to wakeup everyday. Life is a constant battle, and I want to conquer it. Each year I turn a new age or I like level. I am at level 20 and when I get to level 21 I will learn new tricks ;) But every level gets better then the last. I am ready for my journey threw this, I have my right hand man Aaron to help me and push me through, as I do with him and we work with each other to better ourselves.

hope

/hoʊp/ Show Spelled [hohp] noun, verb, hoped, hop·ing.

–noun

1.

the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best: to give up hope.

2.

a particular instance of this feeling: the hope of winning.

3.

grounds for this feeling in a particular instance: There is little or no hope of his recovery.

4.

a person or thing in which expectations are centered: The medicine was her last hope.

5.

something that is hoped for: Her forgiveness is my constant hope.

–verb (used with object)

6.

to look forward to with desire and reasonable confidence.

7.

to believe, desire, or trust: I hope that my work will be satisfactory.

–verb (used without object)

8.

to feel that something desired may happen: We hope for an early spring.

9.

Archaic . to place trust; rely (usually followed by in ).

—Idiom

10.

hope against hope, to continue to hope, although the outlook does not warrant it: We are hoping against hope for a change in her condition.

V-Day

My update. 2/14/2011 11-12am

So today is Valentines day. :D

( these are the gifts Aaron had got me this year. But I actually opened one before I took this picture)

I have been so busy these past few weeks. I feel like time has not stopped yet. I still need that brake, but I actually have been doing so much better. I am still lazy and not really caring about school. Which is bad, I am paying attention in classes though. So it's all what/ev. Last night Aaron gave me my first pre valentines day gift. He is so sweet. He gave me a closet organizer that I have been wanting for like 6 years. Just never managed to buy it for myself. Anywho I spent most of my night fixing up my closet.


I guess it is still a work in process. I have class in just about a hour. So I may need to update some other day.

We woke up today together. It was really super cold. Actually really sucked that it was that freezing. But I got up got the coffee mug I got for him and made some sweetened green tea. The mug I got him was a chalk board mug and I wrote on it saying that I love him and some sweet notes. I gave that to him along with the heart of chocklates. Yea I know the heart is a must have for Valentines day. Dove chocklates in a cute metal tin. Like a darker red and mattalic looking I guess. He was happy. Then I came out with the white box. Oh wait lol. I will have to go back now. Aaron woke me up this morning with his chockaltes and the cutest couples coupons. I have always mentioned this and I was so happy that he got those. So now I get to use the couples coupons when ever I want and he wont be able to say anything :P But along with this was a dozen Roses. Omg. Isn't Aaron so amazing! I was more then 75 percent asleep when this had all happened but I loved it sooo much. I actually think I fell back to sleep then he got out of the shower and I woke back up and then gave him my stuff. Now back to the white box. I had bought matching personalized shirts of our symbol of when we got together. [FAAK] 11-6-06. I believed that he loved him. lol. But then I came out with the other box and his eyes lit up so much. So then he gave me my things. This green shirt that has a tie that is a light but porminent green with the cutest khakis. Then he got me hollister clothes that are supah cute too :D

Well enough bragging. Just today is such a great day. And it is not over yet.


2/17/2011 8:00

Sorry I didn't get back. But that day went really well. Was really super amazing. Aaron got me a suit :D it is soooooo amazing!

Will post pictures later >_<

I love you if you are reading this. :D

It is really hard to tell what is going on these days. I feel like it should still be like 2 weeks ago. Class should of just started. I can't keep up with time when everyday I have it planned out for the next year. How do I not give up and try to turn this all around. The bad part about that, is that it would set me off course and then I would be lost. School this semester is super overwhelming. I can't do so many units (18) and not have a breath of air. The weight of the Earth is on me and I can't seam to overlook it and study daily and not want to just do so many other things. At times it feels as if I am on pilot mode viewing at a third person point of view. Is this strange? I guess normal is just within the community of society.


Anywho.


I studied so hard for awhile and I had a test this morning. Let's say I did NOT do so well. :/ I get so nervous getting the paper that everything I remembered just drops. Then I pay attention to every little noise during class time. It gets really annoying; coughing to sneezing to people tapping or grunting and talking also how no matter what there always has to be cell phones on where Theresa a musical of vibrators.


rant. rant. rant.


Aaron and I did our 12th day of P90X!!! :D All of the results of people are really letting me down now though. I see all the men get really ripped and buff. My results have made me lose to much weight already. 10 pounds :/ I really wanted to gain lean muscle. I guess I need to get that flat body before I can build. It just took me 4 years to gain weight. ( I have always been so skinny my entire life. Well until Aaron taught me how to eat. :P) I went from being at 115-120lbs for around 6 years. Gained weight when I was young then grew into it. But I did finally brake my weight and went all the way up to 155. Pretty much of pure fat though. I was happy but then it brought me down because I built up quite a unhealthy lifestyle that I was turning into a sloth. So I tried WalMarts frozen dinners the great value less calorie food that is like 2usd, well I was able to lose 10 pounds. Was super stoked on that. But now the P90X is making me shred those pounds. I weigh right now 134. I was so scared today that I would go right back into my high school body that I bought a bunch of health drinks and protein stuff. Hopefully the explode makes me fill out. Gaining so much from just these 12 days like energy to do so much and the want/drive to actually be happy has made my goals so much better. Just I feel like I signed up for to much. Like I had said earlier MJC is kicking my ass. No down time. I just really am trying to be at the best shape of my life by the time I turn 21!!! VEGAS BABY :D


Well now I will talk about Vegas. Aaron is hopefully taking us their. SO EXCITED!!!! I buy the hotel next month. We will be staying at new york new york at some deluxe with 2 queen beds. So we have 4 extra seats. But Hopefully I can find someone over 21 or 21. lol. (im the eldest within my friends) lol. I need help. I will be posting some ideas here so I have somewhere to create my itinerary