And now I am in Yucaipa. I thought everything was going very well but as i know now i am unable to hold up a great living situation. I still am having problems letting people into my life. And now that i have been sad i have been doing nothing but getting wasted. And i don't like to just drink lightly i love to drink my life away in hopes that i never have to wake up. This may seam crazy but I always black out when I drink. then the next day is just filled with this hate from everyone that really sucks. So i am here today not knowing where i am going with my life. I am stuck with this gorgeous man who I feel as if I can't even talk to anymore. So this really fucking sucks i guess. I am so tired of moving around and being everyone's lil bitch. I just want a life of happiness. But doesn't everyone. Like seriously. Is it that hard to be loved or even to be liked as a person at all. I know myself as to be a level headed guy. I do need to stop drinking though cause i know this is just making it worse to me and to everyone around me. It is not the healthiest way of living how i am doing now. But i guess i am trying. I am no whore so at least i have it going their for me good. But now i feel as if i have to be a whore just to have a place to call home these days. I just want to be held and to be reassured that all my worries and problems in life will just melt away. But will they ever just melt away. Probably not but I am trying. I need a job, but no one will hire me anywhere. So this really fucking sucks. But I am trying. Just my main problem is that I love to be lazy and do nothing with my life and just be online hoping to find someone to talk to or even to just want to be my friend or talk to me. I know how fucking pathetic am i? Seriously.... I know how bad it is. Just i guess i have nothing i can do for my time being. I hate being out of school, because what do i do with myself when i have no friends to be around. At least I am out of Modesto, because that place really drew me down. Even thought the love of my life is out there. I try not to think about it anymore. It has gotten better. I have realized that he is only their for me as a friend and i will never be in his arms again. I have accepted that. Just being away from someone who was their for me for my entire life, well just about. 5 years is a fourth of my life. Which I think that those are the most important times in my life. Cause I grew up with him, well more he grew me up with him. What ever. Times have changed. My entire blog has been all about him. And I have been trying to get rid of all of these feelings but i guess you never stop loving someone in the end. I am myself. I still don't know who that is yet. But I hope I can make someone happy. I need self confidence and self worth in order to enjoy my life. But how do you find all of this out? I am so alone. It hurts. I just need to be held and made sure that life will transpire into something worth living for. Oh did I ever mention that I have gotten a IPL facial. OMG. That really did gurt but like i said it hurt but it is intense pulsated light going straight to your face. I didn't have much down town but all my freckles did get really dark for 3 or 4 days. Then they flaked off slowly but nothing that was pickable. Which was a nice thing because I was scared my entire face was going to peel off. Which it didn't!!!!! LOL. I wish I could go back and get the acne scar treatments but I am a broke bitch that is about to homeless. So right now This is my thing. I have all my shit. I wish I just had like ten thousand dollars to pay for some kind of rent for like 3 years and get a car. I would be able to live such a great life. Hell even if i had 1 grand I would be able to pay off rent for like 3 months then be able to do my thing until then. But i know then i wouldn't be able to pay for that either. So this is just a dream. Is it bad to dream or is it better to wish. Are they the same these days or what is going on with that. Should I keep praying like a idiot like I am doing or keep going on with some kind of quitness to my reality. I really do think about suicide about every other second. Guys my age should be thinking about sex. I think about all the different ways i could die that second without making it look like i really did a thing to myself. Well this is all crazy i know. But I am so lost in myself, and in life that I have no where to go anymore other then the heavens. Is this right full thinking? Probably not. I apply at jobs every day thinking omg ok i could possibly have gotten a job. But that is always bull shit, cause the person next to me is always better then me. I am usually always replaced with someone better and this is something that I don't understand myself. I just want to be loved and accepted and have a stable life. I want to run in the wind and have no worries. I want to ride with the bulls and never get hurt. So for now I will keep listening to my lady gaga "you where born this way" to make myself feel like someone cares out in this world for me. I am so unable to make myself feel good anymore other then just going and getting drunk or listening to some music and getting myself lost in singing. Lol. I do love to sing. It really does make me relax and feel whole.
Well good night. I'm gunna watch I am number four. Hopefully this movie isn't a waste of my life like most men are :>
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
How do you do it
How do you stop loving someone? I can't open up to anyone else. And every night is a nightmare cause I feel like he's fucking someone else. Fml. It's so hard. This pic has never stopped yet nd I need it to be. I just know that being in his arms again will make my life complete again. But I know he will never want me again. Plus he hasn't loved me for awhile anyway. And here I am fucking worshiping the ground he walks on
Monday, May 2, 2011
The pain
No one sees me in pain. I hid it from the world. I should be asking for help. But I live in no where with no one to talk to. The one person who actually was their for me is no longer. What do I do? Where do I go from here? Should I just keep working to pay off ky own funeral? Save for a casket and everything I would need. Since I wouldn't be able to go anywhere else. I have no one. People act like they care just cause they have to because its family. I don't have friends who like me or care to see me. My life is pathetic. I need my Aaron. I really believe I might not make it out of 2011 alive. I need someone to care for me and to love me and to call me. I pay for a cell phone just to have the internet and music. No one calls me. No one texts me unless I text them or its a holiday. The only people who call me is telemarketing people. But i get excited when that happens. Cause I have someone calling me and asking for me. So I talk to them for a minute before I tell them. I'm not interested in what their selling. I constantly dream and hope to be back in his arms but it will never happen again. I know he didn't want me anymore and was already talking to other people, was just waiting for me to go away. It's life right? I don't have one. I had him and he made me have a family, friends, love, a true lover and giver,.a real man who was always their and helped me understand life and showed me life and love and was my parent, he was my model in life. Now who do I look up to? I don't have Ny figures in this world like I did back at home. My life is now nothing. Should I ride it out to see how life will be and just hit 21. But I don't wanna be alive on my 5th year anniversary with out my husband. How painful would that be. I don't even want to start a new life with anyone. Why? How do I explain who I am when I don't know who I am because I was all Aaron. I look up high for answers but I am not finding them just yet. Life is gone for me and I am empty. I just need to be in his arms again
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