Tuesday, September 11, 2012

FAAK

s I lay here in bed thinking about how badly I should be reading up for school instead of just watching videos from the past. I realize how stupid I am for everything I have ever done. I wish I was still with Aaron. I love him. My heart still hurts. I don't know if I am ever able to love someone else. This birthday sep 1 was one of the hardest birthdays for me. I didn't get anything. I am so pathetic to think that I would have gotten a call from him. Even though he changed his number and everything. He knew my address. I figured he would of sent me something. Anything. He always cared about me. I don't see how if I feel like how I do why doesn't he feel the same still? I still mope on all of my drea,s with him. All the memories I have with him. How he treated me like a man and he was proud to be with me in front of his family. Seeing him after a long day and he would just run into my arms. How I miss the Husband of my life and soul. I would give anything to cuddle with him once again. He made me who I am today. Still unsure if I even want to be here anymore. I wish I could just enlist into the army or something. Make something out of my life. The one thing holding me back is me not finishing high school because of him. He took me away from san jose when I just turned 16 and I never went back to high school. Life for me has forever been hard because of all of that. I am in college now without a high school diploma and have finished 36 units and on my way to finishing 12 more this semester. I want to go away where I don't have to worry about men and how hurt I am. I wish I could stop looking at his facebook page and his boyfriends page. It hurt me knowing that another man loves him. I think to myself. He will never have the 5 years of growing up we did together. From a teenager to a man we both became. I love him with all my heart. I just need to stop hurting my current boyfriend and become the crazy cat lady. All I do is just talk about Aaron in front of him everyday. He tells me that I have not gone one day without mentioning his name.