My Legacy: Autobigraphy/will

If you're reading this then you have now discovered I am no longer with you in reality. I have moved on and will be watching you from up above in heaven if such place exists. Ten years of never having a stable life and being alone with no financial help but living on the floor of a trailer that I am ridiculed over everyday. I have tried so hard but I am still left off being alone and or used and abused. My only legacy that will live on is my child, (my baby boy Gotham Warrington) and a shit ton of clothes to that could make a teenager in jr high super happy. Please donate or sell all my items with first pickings to my family and friends. Which only friends I have will forever be Jessica Lynn Kelley without her I would have been a 13 year old living on the street. I give major love to Aaron Delgado for being my first boyfriend and my first real partner. He was also more then that and the five years we were together he raised me and made me who I am today as a caring but loving individual who in life just wants respect and love. Without both of these individuals my parents abandoning me and my brothers at such a young age I would not be around to be able to say that I tried for ten years after watching the bank buy all my items in front of my eyes. My mother was my best friend growing up and she was my everything I didn't fathom that she could have just skipped off to Colorado and leave us in Modesto California and then shortly my father having a break down and leaving us too, to go to Indiana. As parents even in separation because of your needs was wrong. I still put myself through Jr High school and High School. Might not have walked the stage with my class but I was able to pass. Growing up I never knew my father or brothers since I was mommys boy. The only good that came in play was the bond that me and my brothers grew out of that which really was only because we all were able to have a disability and receive legal marijana from the state of California. I might not have been the poster child but I always had the face of always being happy and giving a great smile with respect and kindness. Even if proved they don't deserve the respect that I would give to someone I still would Curry on :). My motto in life has always been if you truly knew me was why live in the past. Yesterday was the past so let's live in the future and strive for tomorrow. No matter how many different ways I told it, it has always meant the same threw and though. My father and I finally was able to bond once he put out differences aside and once I stopped acting like a rude cunt towards him because of his health ways and laziness. But once I grew up I ended up slowly becoming him and we were finally able to bond over a carton of cigarettes and his proud look which now I have to this date been a smoker of ten years. To me I am lonely and without smoking I probably would never ever have a reason to step outside but to work and home. Moving to so many different states has really taught me a lot in my life to wear I have lived my life already. I may be near to 25 by just a few short months but I have done everything I have wanted but the year cruise around the world which is my only desire in life to do after retirement to see the major wonders of this planet that I do not belong in. Living in a society that is controlled by a dumb worthless dyed piece of parchment sounds like the most ridiculous thing in the world. What ever happened to being kind to one another, not stealing, giving to your family, being one. My circle of five family members is the biggest hodgepodge anyone could ever receive. My father the hippie/redneck all white guy that grew up in Massachusetts with a large amount of brothers and sister like seven. My mother the half Portuguese second generation Americans to come from the islands of Portugal named Santa Maria in the Azores. Which gives me quarter Portuguese and the only thing that I am the most of and I try to stay as proud of that as possible that I could ever be since I believe I have just about every settlement of white that is in United stated and then bam European white Latino. But my mother was not apart of her heritage as much as I wished for myself then hoped. Having that difference around has always made me happy. My oldest brother who was into rap music and sagging all his clothes standing at 5'5" and the whitest guy around. Nearly translucent since he would blind you. Hah I love you jimmy! My middle brother Danny who is a hard rocker with long black curly hair and is darker then a Mexican from Mexico. He was there to destroy my life growing up but we bonded as the divorce finalized which was the biggest 180 any sibling could ever have. Who wanted to be the middle brother when the youngest was cuter and got all the new clothes since jimmys' hand me downs couldn't go to a third but just to him which I believe how he ended up becoming grunge. Then there is me. I faster became the princess of the family as soon as my 5th birthday came around and I knew how to make a huge smile and make things happen. Being the mommas boy I grew up differently. While my brothers had each other to compete and hangout with they grew up more manly because of the fact. My I grew up watching my mother do everything and me at her side. So I learned more femme roles in life. I love my family. All in All. I may be disliked or unwanted by all or most. Just know that I gave it my all. For the past ten years I have been fighting this. And the only person that was real should have never left my side. I was dumb and young and just thought I had the world. I wish I had never messed Aaron and I up, because we could probably still be together till this day. I think about him everyday still. You never forget your first love right? Well I am coming to my last days left on this earth. And it has just gotten worse and worse. I live in my car with my cat. I am tired of this and don't want to go on anymore I have tried I really have. I can't get up from where I am. Bank account is negative 1000 my car hasn't been paid off in awhile I have no insurance car insurance I have no friends I have no family that wants to care alanymote. I am a lost cause and I am fed up with it all. People talk about me behind my back all the time I am only ever used until I can't be used anymore then bam I'm thrown out like yesterday's trash. I needed help. I've asked for it. I just give others heart ache. None in my family can take care of me while I go through this depression battle. And now I feel as if I could just go to jail. I wouldn't ever have to worry about being homeless again not having food not having a man to sleep with me I am scared. I try not to drive anymore but it's hard not to. I need help. If my car gets taken away I will be on the road insteaD. This was a thought night for me so it was good to write this bibliography for when I am gone. I've tried for far too long ms it doesn't get better. Ten years of never having a real place to call home. I can't go on any longer like this. It sucks that even in the United States working full time still means you have you have duel income of you don't make 20/hr. I work so hard just to be broke everyday all day. Men use me and get why they want and my friends use me me until I have nothing left and then bam. Left all alone again. This is why I needed my cat. He was the only thing in this world that loved me unconditionally. And I had to go and get rid of him yesterday. I feel as if losing him was the last straw. People say keep going but why. I'm just gonna bust my ass off to be alone in a small town that I don't even know anyone in. I have no friends, no real family. I have to use chat apps and talk to random men just to feel wanted and or needed. I can't sleep I can't eat. I can't even go to my new job right now and I have to. Everyone's happy is too loud and it hurts me trying to put on a fake smile and fake attitude for the world To not see that I need help. I need someone to be there for me. I need to be loved again. Everyone I try to talk to they use me for sex then never talk to me again or until I stop putting out then I would be all alone. I'm a 50 year old soul traPped in this 20 year olds body. I wish chivalry was real in the gay world. Not just hi "BAMMM" dick pic and cum over. Is it so hard to just want one man and live a monotonous life where we can be happily ever after. Wrong. This is why children should not grow up on fairy tales. Because in my mind true loves kiss fixes everything, right? No. I just wanted to be loved. Is that too much to ask for?