My last day being 20.

Should I be a illegal drinker one last time of my life?!?! Lol wouldn't that be funny. Might as well live it up now and have my drinks at midnight

-Here is something that really sparked my eye. It was on charmed:

You only hate me because you once loved me. After all we all hate once someone

gotsen

close to us. Those who got close enough to touch our hearts

last day in florida

So I am here in Florida for the last time in awhile. I leave tomorrow and will arrive sometime at noon. I am really excited and also super sad that i am already leaving. If i could stay I would still be here right now and not planning this lame ass trip back to hell. But yet maybe it will all turn out good. I will be coming back in like two months which should be good. I mean if I do come back. I have been hanging out with this really sexy Italian man. He is older then me by like a whole decade but I think I like that better actually. He doesn't seam like a fauxe where he will just be another lame ass liar. Which he said he hates liars as well. So I am hopeing that he isn't one of those people. I want to be loved and not used for sex. So I am trying not to give it up. I just hope this doesn't back fire on me. I know that when holding back can be a problem cause then he might not think that I am into him completely. But This whole mis hap that I fucked his best friend when I came out here for gaydays. LOL! Well I didn't know that one cause he went by a different name then, then what he goes by now. So it isn't entirely my fault I guess. Well I have to get going where going out to Moon Fish and I am uber excited about this. Less then a week away to my bday. Aaron sent out his gift to me today. Really happy about that one. I am glad that he still cares in that aspect. Well I know that bitch will always love me he just wont tell me it cause we don't wanna make it a habit. Even though I can tel him I love him in a heart beat. And be completely happy with the decision of telling him. Anywho. Love ya if you read my drama. :D

Eight days away

So I have eight days until all the holidays start. This is going to be a really bad time for me. I don't want to be alone on the holidays. I just have no one else to spend it with. I don't have my ex husband Aaron anymore to be next to my side. So the holidays start off with my birthday then goes to Halloween. Then Nov 6 will be Aaron and mine fifth year anniversary. Well what could have been our fifth if we made it to it. The worst day ever. No idea how I am going to be able to handle that one. Other then being super wasted or drugged up somehow. Maybe that day will go out in a bang of death. Then Christmas is in December. Which I only had my Aaron for the last four times. I never even got a gift from anyone. I waited for a card with just simple nothings, but I never got that either. How fucking pathetic of a person to have a big family and no one recognizes that fact. It's uber shitty. Then new years first kiss then my poor Valentines day. February is the worst month ever for me. Never know how to do anything right to where I always fuck up my relationships over valrntines day. Be it a week or two weeks from it. I never let it down and get shitted on. I have a problem of true happiness. When I get excited and happy I get overwhelmed and become mean and rude. I still don't understand why I do this. It's gotta be a bipo thing. I just want to be happy in life. Then comes st pattys then Easter then spring then aarons bday. By that time he should already found a new love. If not already. Kinda pathetic that I love him still like I never lost him. But I know if I was in town. He wouldn't be able to resist. At least that's what I keep in my head. Last time I went to modesto we had sex and he told me he loved me and repeated Faak in my ear while he was making love to me. This was after the break up. I just wish I never did anything bad to him so that I can still have him. Is that a silly thing to wish and to want? So in life all I ever wanted is to have my husband and to have a family and a place to call home where I have a stable job. These four things are the missing pieces in my heart. I am unable to attain them. So when is it my turn to be happy again? Not just happy but when can all of my hopes and.dreams come true instead of them only being true when I fall asleep. Please let me know asap. I would def love an answer

Once again

I am stuck in the worst position of my life. I want to cry but I am masking it super hard. I keep pushing but nothing seams to ever really work. Why don't things ever work out like they should!?!?! I mean I pray and pray and pray but I still never find my right path in this life. Figured Florida would have been uber easier then what I thought. But it is the same bull shit. I just want to be happy and have a husband. A real man in my life with no bullshit. Seams like everyone I do find has some sort of emotional ties or some sort of cheating bull shit. It's time to live under Rock and die. Why cant someone actually just do it for me. When is my time?!?! God needs to determine this shit a lot faster cause this needs to just happen already. I do nothing right. I just don't understand it at all.

Perfectiones

I know that I am not perfect. Why strive for something that I can not ever become. I just wish I found that one man who does think that I am perfect. To bad that one I let go. I really miss my pooh bear

Mr.Romeo

This is a picture of me from the other day at the beach. Thought it was cute :D



Is doing it to me yet again. I can't belive that now he actually does want me to go. It is freaking crazy. I will be going to Alabama for a lil while I guess. So fucking happy right now. My birthday is around the corner. Omg I am uber stoked.I can't wait to sleep in his arms all night. I know this is going to be a lil crazy. But oh my. I am so fucking excited. You have no idea. This boy has my heart already. I know I am crazy to even think that right now. Should only be thinking like this after at least 6 months. Maybe it is that he reminds me of all the perfect qualities I want in a man. All though he is a lil ho. But I can look past that. Just the one thing he told me today really hurt but I still will go. I mean you don't tell someone that he has "friends" that he wants to hang out with whom may be potential boyfriends. HELLO!?!?! I am the potential. Unless I am nothing but just a guy to fuck and leave at the house while he goes and finds the real men. How insane!!! :/ But it is whatever. I am not going to let it bring me down. But I know he still plans on it all. I know I am going to be the one crying all day/night about it. That's what really sucks. Thinking about it makes me sad but actually being the guy to wait around like this is insane. Well I have turned my blogger into my own personal Diary. I would hate to know if anyone read what I type. But I have no one else to talk to so I secretly wish someone was reading so I keep it open. I just am lost in life. I wish I had a real man to be next to my side.

Tampa, Florida

So i am here again in Tampa and I am still wanting to get the Fuck out. Now I am the one looked upon like I am just the bitch. Wtf have I ever done that was this horrible. I just want to go back home so bad. But I did have fun. I don't understand why I don't get along with guys my age. I just wish I knew. But it never works. NO idea wtf is up their ass. Obviously not me so why be a bitch. Do i threaten all of the hos. Or what In the world have I ever done wrong to anyone except when I get so fucked up that I do say some stupid shit. But still Should not be that rude. I just want to find my life partner and this is all I am trying to do. That will never work because my life partner is already gone. The funny thing about last night is that I don't remember anyone's names. Is this really that bad? I wish I remember names cause I met some really amazing poeple. Sounds really shitty. Lol changing my story really fast. KInda really still drunk and hella burnt but this is me. And i have no one to talk to. So it is really hard to really want to understand how I feel. I feel like a old man trapped in a twink body. Hella ridiculous. I just want to go back to school. Understand life and have a real life. As of right now I think the only way for me to actually have a life is to enlist into some sort of service. I am actually up for it. But now what I did last night I have to wait extra longer. So KInda mad about that. I wish I could have said no more then just the 4 times but all the time. I took two. Why in the world am I that dumb. I didn't eat food at all yesterday. LOL!! I just drank away all day. This is so stupid of me I know. I just wish things where different. I booked my flight today to get the fuck out of Florida. I can't wait to gfet the fuck out of here. So I am flying out the 15th and I am flying out of Orlando and will be arriving in santa ana (orange county airport) I am glad and sad at the same time. Because not just am I going to be leaving this place but I am leaving an amazing place not just that. But I fell in Love in Tampa. With some fucking ass that I know I will never see again. I wish things where different. But I know I was just a fuck instead of actual love. He is a ho and I need to understand this. NO one my age actually wants to have a husband like I do. Except old men. Old men are nice and cute. yes. But are not boyfriend material. Well at least longer then a week or two. I do understand this. I love older men. But it will always just be lust for me and they don't understand this and think I just like them for their money. MONEY!! Of course it is nice but doesn't make you cute.

It's just a dream

Well. Things didn't work out. I was just used as a filler for him. I went to fast I guess. Being super vulnerable is my problem. I pushed him to hard and way to fast that I scared the fuck out of him. So Romeo will always just be a dream. I don't understand really what I did wrong. I feel like I was just to ugly for him. I don't have much to offer but my heart and a smile. Guys want someone who is already stable and has everything in life. I wasn't handed the golden egg growing up so I'm trying to do the best I can. My 21st bday is in the next month. I will enlist in the navy cause I know I can make a life in the service. It may be hard and difficult but I know this is my only option now. I don't want to have to work a job where I'm going nowhere in life. I just want to be happy. I just want to be able to have my own place and car and a nice job. I wish I had my family to lean on but that is absent too. I am such a pitty and a nut case. My future only means for me to be lonely. I can't handle gay men anymore. I should just get a wife from a different country and have kids. She would be loyal to me and bear children for me. Sounds like a great idea. Maybe. I just want to be deployed out and never see life again. I want to scrape the barnickles off the ship with a bunch of sexy navy men. I can't wait to enlist and get out into the world.