Eight days away

So I have eight days until all the holidays start. This is going to be a really bad time for me. I don't want to be alone on the holidays. I just have no one else to spend it with. I don't have my ex husband Aaron anymore to be next to my side. So the holidays start off with my birthday then goes to Halloween. Then Nov 6 will be Aaron and mine fifth year anniversary. Well what could have been our fifth if we made it to it. The worst day ever. No idea how I am going to be able to handle that one. Other then being super wasted or drugged up somehow. Maybe that day will go out in a bang of death. Then Christmas is in December. Which I only had my Aaron for the last four times. I never even got a gift from anyone. I waited for a card with just simple nothings, but I never got that either. How fucking pathetic of a person to have a big family and no one recognizes that fact. It's uber shitty. Then new years first kiss then my poor Valentines day. February is the worst month ever for me. Never know how to do anything right to where I always fuck up my relationships over valrntines day. Be it a week or two weeks from it. I never let it down and get shitted on. I have a problem of true happiness. When I get excited and happy I get overwhelmed and become mean and rude. I still don't understand why I do this. It's gotta be a bipo thing. I just want to be happy in life. Then comes st pattys then Easter then spring then aarons bday. By that time he should already found a new love. If not already. Kinda pathetic that I love him still like I never lost him. But I know if I was in town. He wouldn't be able to resist. At least that's what I keep in my head. Last time I went to modesto we had sex and he told me he loved me and repeated Faak in my ear while he was making love to me. This was after the break up. I just wish I never did anything bad to him so that I can still have him. Is that a silly thing to wish and to want? So in life all I ever wanted is to have my husband and to have a family and a place to call home where I have a stable job. These four things are the missing pieces in my heart. I am unable to attain them. So when is it my turn to be happy again? Not just happy but when can all of my hopes and.dreams come true instead of them only being true when I fall asleep. Please let me know asap. I would def love an answer