40% glycolic acid peel

This picture is the After the TCA experiment and right before I did the Glycolic peel.

So today it has been nearly a week since I have done my TCA peel. Which tomorrow should be the full week. But I was getting anxious and totally had to do this other peel that I had gotten in the mail. I was super excited for this product as well. Only really because I knew that I wouldn't look like a zombie after using this product. So it made me a super happy person. The TCA hasn't really showed much of a difference once it was all heeled up. It only took me 3-4 days of actual peeling to get rid of it all. Although I have enough for one more peel which I will end up doing after I come back from my vacation in like two weeks. The glycolic went well. It did hurt but the instructions that it came with helped me in more then one way. It became a fan that I used to air dry it and make it less burning. Which felt great. I also put the acid on my Tattoo. Dunno if it will do much but anything is worth a try. I will be doing Glycolic peel's weekly part of my Sunday wash away program. Which usually starts off with ridding a hang over and laundry and getting ready for the week coming up. My derma roller still has not came in yet. I am kinda iffy on if it actually will or not. I have no clue where it has gone. Which makes me really sad because I was really looking forward to receiving this product. Although I am super terrified on if it would hurt or not. People saying that it makes popping sounds isn't all the intriguing.

TCA peel 25% Day Two + Random

So today is my second going on third day after I did my TCA peel. And I have already started the peeling process. It is so hard not to peel it because I have nothing else to be doing but be picking at my face. It has given me a little bit of anxiety just to pick it and get it off my face but trying not to. I guess I am just anxious to be able to go outside again and hang out with people. I have plans tomorrow for a couple things to be doing so I am worried that I will be some zombie kid roaming around. I just hate that I have to actually tell people all about the process and what it is and how much it is and for why I am doing this to myself. In the pictures that I had taken you can't tell really how bad the peeling is because I have no natural light and its just taken off my HTC inspire cell phone. That and it is a snow storm today so it has been dark since around 1pm. LAME! lol. So I have been still putting the jojoba oil, almond oil and vitamin E on my face to help this peel be faster and get rid of everything. Today in the mail I got my 40% glycolic peel, which is making me anxious to use that after all of this has been done. So then I will be doing that and am pretty excited to get that going. I got a 30ml/1oz of it. So I will be doing that once a week every week until the bottle is gone. Then will be going back to a TCA peel then I was thinking of doing about 30ml/1oz of Lactic acid. While doing all of the glycolic acid peels I will also be doing a derma roller which hasn't came in yet so I am excited to get that going as well. I only got a .5mm derma roller so I figured I would try that then go bigger if I need to. Since of me doing all of this is to actually make myself look flawless I don't wanna fuck my skin up and look even worse. So back to the TCA peel. I have been drinking a lot of water. When I mean a lot I really mean like a gallon a day. Which helps make your body heel faster. Or help with acne. I dunno really. It's just good for ya. ok. ok. hehe. I also have been bleaching my teeth with Watts 35% carbamide peroxide. Which has made my teeth so much whiter already. I will do a before and after once I completed that process. I am unable to do a twice a day for it because my teeth and gums tend to hurt so I only do it once a night for thirty mins. I am a smoker so my teeth where a lil discolored but not like a yellow highlighter. lol. I am willing to do anything these days to get a perfect face/teeth/body. Which I tell myself I am going to actually do P90X again but last time I only did the first 30 days because I lost 20 pounds and was super skinny so I was like. Oh whatever I go what I wanted. So I might do another 30 days so I can get my summer body back and running for the beaches and swimming house parties.

Like I said you can barely tell that I am peeling but trust me. I did the peel on Monday at 3pm and I took this picture today Wednesday at 3pm. So it really only took me two days to begin peeling. Which for me this is exciting news. I know for next time I should probably start this after going out on Saturday and it should be cleared up by Tuesday night. Just thought this was uber cute since I am a Winnie the pooh lover. :D

TCA peel 25%

So yesterday I started my adventure on having amazing skin without all the darn acne scars. At first I thought it wasn't working but after two minutes I felt it. And oh boy did I really feel it.  I just can't wait to actually see my results after all this nasty peeling.

So this is me before I started my peel.

And this is what I would look like after a lil makeup. Which I don't use much but it does help out a lot. Thanks to The men pen













And then this is right after I did the peel. I did frost a little bit which you can't really tell on these pics because my phone made them smaller then they really are :/ But I did avoid letting it stay on to long since I read for about a week on all the reviews and all the youtube videos of people burning themselves. So I knew once I soll some white it was time to rinse off. Which people never told me that trying to get it off was the most painful thing ever. Water wasn't helping so made sure I had mixed some baking soda and water together in a cup before doing this incase it was extreme. So I threw that on my face and it burned 10x more for like 3 seconds then finally was calmed down. Which I guess if you don't numb your face before this then you just gotta deal with boiling water on your face. lol. I also applied the peel to my Tattoo and my scar on my arm from when I cut myself back when I was 14 which was nearly ten years ago. Which I didn't leave on so long because it was actually hurting more then getting the tattoo. So I had only left it on for like a minute. I don't notice any skin tightening at all so I don't know if it worked.Now these pictures are a day after. Which I have noticed my face is getting really tight and red. I have broke out from the process a little bit. But the TCA actually just pushed out all the other impurities. So I am kinda pleased on that behalf. Which I am not sure if it is actually 24hrs after but you can still see the difference in my skin from yesterday to today. I also applied jojoba oil to my face to keep it hydrated and almond oil with vitamin E which comes in a nice little chap-stick that I applied to my face. Which has helped with my face a lot. It soothes while moisturizing my skin. Feels amazing. I am still skeptical about putting chap-stick on my face but who cares. I just literally burned my face off. So I don't think anything is worse then that. lol. I am bright red but you could only tell when I didn't use flash since I was to lazy to get out of bed to take the pics and open the window for natural lighting. I will keep this updated daily until I have completed this TCA peel. Then I will be doing another peel of TCA since the 1 Dram has two applications. Which in the not so distant future I will actually have to buy a bigger size which I am thinking 1oz/30ml so that I can have many more peels ahead of me. I really just want to get rid of the tattoo so it may take up to ten applications. Some people have gotten it off in 6 but I don't mind reapplying every other week so that when I take my clothes off that I don't think of my ex. So this will be a great thing for me. I am super excited :D

Yes, It's been awhile

I am in a new town and new state. I have moved out of california to be with Jared. Everything out here was going amazing. I don't know what I did wrong and why everyone hates me. I hate what I have become. I am worthless and have no one except Jared. I don't do anything with my life and am unable to actually do anything. I wish for the best in so much for everyone but I am still unable to make do with what I have. I upset everyone around me. I just wish I had someone holding me. I need a life. Why am I never able to find it. I was a super happy person once. But I tend to always fuck it up. Life is never greener on the other side but yet I still fuck it up. When things go wrong and since I am so insecure. I feel as if I just have to go and run away or fuck other people. I don't understand this anymore. Why am I such a loser. Is myself being gay fucked up my life and if I just go to being straight that everything will just fall into place. I gained weight. I am 150 now. I am not that skinny lil thang anymore. I wish I had a ring on, I was wearing this CTR ring that always gave me the company I needed. It let me know that something or someone was out there watching me and that I should always be doing the right thing. Will that ever be good enough. I seam like I tend to depreas myself over Aaron still. I was in the suicide ward the other day. I took a couple pills and my bf at the moment went crazy. Now I have this outrageous bill that I will never be able to pay and I don't understand what I am going to do either. I need to be happy. I deserve to be happy and have what I want. Life in United States revolves around money. I wish I had it. I think everyone does. But when you're me to where if I had any job I would just keep it and make the best of it. I think this is the only thing standing in my way. I need a job to feel important. I don't have drugs anymore and alcohole isn't something I can be drinking 24/7. I need help. But yet to find help you have to have money. Everything is money money money. What to do. I wish they knew how to erase memories. I would erase everything and start out new. I need to learn to listen to Jared and understand that he is here for me and that is all I need.


Ps. I really hate bad Dreams

So halloween

May not be really there for me this year. I don't really have the wig that i need for it all. So for now that I am lost. Hey I thought this was really cute. So I just had to post this one :D

And also this is me the other day. Since you haven't seen me in some time.

ps.I am adorable

9.27.11

It has been nearly a month since I have updated this thing. I just wanted to be like. Wow. Ok being 21 has its ups and downs. And everything that I have expeierenced has not been the same from when I wasn't. Men are different. I feel like a old man. I also dislocated my knee on my birthday, which is still hurting because i think i dislocated it in my sleep like a week later or even two weeks later. I wish I knew what happened that night. But like always I have been blacking out. So now that I am of age. Things have changed in so many ways. Jessica looks at me like a fucking bitch that she just wants to use me for and when I don't she just gets upset that she doesn't get to that night because I am able to buy the beer and what not for everyone. But not just that. I need a job and everywhere that I have been looking has been nothing but a dead end. I need a job a apartment and a life. I want to have a husband and everthing back to normal again. I don't think this is possible anymore. I want to die. But anyway. Before all of that. I found a new man. His name is Andrew Johnson. Well. He is everything I have ever wanted in a man. He is so perfect that I feel like I am unable to please him in bed and that I should be and or something that I am not. I want to be his perfect everything but it is so hard to be what he wants because he sees everyone out here (west hollywood) as a sexy piece of ass. Tonight we went to a comedy thing and like everything went fine. I am a lil tipsy and everytyhing but like he told me that he was going to cut my head off a picture and paste it onto another picture of a man that was sexy as fuck. Wouldn't that hurt anyone in the first place i mean wtf. Like seriously. And after that he is talking about going and seeing his parents then going to mexico and having some craxy ass fun. asp. Without me. I mean who the fuck goes and says all this crazy ass shit and then thinks that he is the inisint one. Like seriously. What in the world is going on. Wow now he just said we watched limitless with me in the living room. First off. not me. And he wants to watch gnomeo and juliet. Well fuck that was the last movie Aaaron and I soll together. How sad would that be. So I am being this super bitch and just wanting to goto bed, because well I still love my husband and i want to be happy like that. Wow you know whats playing while i type this?!?!?! Enchanted happily ever after.


PEACE!!!!

ily Kenners.

I hope I make it another week....

My last day being 20.

Should I be a illegal drinker one last time of my life?!?! Lol wouldn't that be funny. Might as well live it up now and have my drinks at midnight

-Here is something that really sparked my eye. It was on charmed:

You only hate me because you once loved me. After all we all hate once someone

gotsen

close to us. Those who got close enough to touch our hearts

last day in florida

So I am here in Florida for the last time in awhile. I leave tomorrow and will arrive sometime at noon. I am really excited and also super sad that i am already leaving. If i could stay I would still be here right now and not planning this lame ass trip back to hell. But yet maybe it will all turn out good. I will be coming back in like two months which should be good. I mean if I do come back. I have been hanging out with this really sexy Italian man. He is older then me by like a whole decade but I think I like that better actually. He doesn't seam like a fauxe where he will just be another lame ass liar. Which he said he hates liars as well. So I am hopeing that he isn't one of those people. I want to be loved and not used for sex. So I am trying not to give it up. I just hope this doesn't back fire on me. I know that when holding back can be a problem cause then he might not think that I am into him completely. But This whole mis hap that I fucked his best friend when I came out here for gaydays. LOL! Well I didn't know that one cause he went by a different name then, then what he goes by now. So it isn't entirely my fault I guess. Well I have to get going where going out to Moon Fish and I am uber excited about this. Less then a week away to my bday. Aaron sent out his gift to me today. Really happy about that one. I am glad that he still cares in that aspect. Well I know that bitch will always love me he just wont tell me it cause we don't wanna make it a habit. Even though I can tel him I love him in a heart beat. And be completely happy with the decision of telling him. Anywho. Love ya if you read my drama. :D

Eight days away

So I have eight days until all the holidays start. This is going to be a really bad time for me. I don't want to be alone on the holidays. I just have no one else to spend it with. I don't have my ex husband Aaron anymore to be next to my side. So the holidays start off with my birthday then goes to Halloween. Then Nov 6 will be Aaron and mine fifth year anniversary. Well what could have been our fifth if we made it to it. The worst day ever. No idea how I am going to be able to handle that one. Other then being super wasted or drugged up somehow. Maybe that day will go out in a bang of death. Then Christmas is in December. Which I only had my Aaron for the last four times. I never even got a gift from anyone. I waited for a card with just simple nothings, but I never got that either. How fucking pathetic of a person to have a big family and no one recognizes that fact. It's uber shitty. Then new years first kiss then my poor Valentines day. February is the worst month ever for me. Never know how to do anything right to where I always fuck up my relationships over valrntines day. Be it a week or two weeks from it. I never let it down and get shitted on. I have a problem of true happiness. When I get excited and happy I get overwhelmed and become mean and rude. I still don't understand why I do this. It's gotta be a bipo thing. I just want to be happy in life. Then comes st pattys then Easter then spring then aarons bday. By that time he should already found a new love. If not already. Kinda pathetic that I love him still like I never lost him. But I know if I was in town. He wouldn't be able to resist. At least that's what I keep in my head. Last time I went to modesto we had sex and he told me he loved me and repeated Faak in my ear while he was making love to me. This was after the break up. I just wish I never did anything bad to him so that I can still have him. Is that a silly thing to wish and to want? So in life all I ever wanted is to have my husband and to have a family and a place to call home where I have a stable job. These four things are the missing pieces in my heart. I am unable to attain them. So when is it my turn to be happy again? Not just happy but when can all of my hopes and.dreams come true instead of them only being true when I fall asleep. Please let me know asap. I would def love an answer

Once again

I am stuck in the worst position of my life. I want to cry but I am masking it super hard. I keep pushing but nothing seams to ever really work. Why don't things ever work out like they should!?!?! I mean I pray and pray and pray but I still never find my right path in this life. Figured Florida would have been uber easier then what I thought. But it is the same bull shit. I just want to be happy and have a husband. A real man in my life with no bullshit. Seams like everyone I do find has some sort of emotional ties or some sort of cheating bull shit. It's time to live under Rock and die. Why cant someone actually just do it for me. When is my time?!?! God needs to determine this shit a lot faster cause this needs to just happen already. I do nothing right. I just don't understand it at all.

Perfectiones

I know that I am not perfect. Why strive for something that I can not ever become. I just wish I found that one man who does think that I am perfect. To bad that one I let go. I really miss my pooh bear

Mr.Romeo

This is a picture of me from the other day at the beach. Thought it was cute :D



Is doing it to me yet again. I can't belive that now he actually does want me to go. It is freaking crazy. I will be going to Alabama for a lil while I guess. So fucking happy right now. My birthday is around the corner. Omg I am uber stoked.I can't wait to sleep in his arms all night. I know this is going to be a lil crazy. But oh my. I am so fucking excited. You have no idea. This boy has my heart already. I know I am crazy to even think that right now. Should only be thinking like this after at least 6 months. Maybe it is that he reminds me of all the perfect qualities I want in a man. All though he is a lil ho. But I can look past that. Just the one thing he told me today really hurt but I still will go. I mean you don't tell someone that he has "friends" that he wants to hang out with whom may be potential boyfriends. HELLO!?!?! I am the potential. Unless I am nothing but just a guy to fuck and leave at the house while he goes and finds the real men. How insane!!! :/ But it is whatever. I am not going to let it bring me down. But I know he still plans on it all. I know I am going to be the one crying all day/night about it. That's what really sucks. Thinking about it makes me sad but actually being the guy to wait around like this is insane. Well I have turned my blogger into my own personal Diary. I would hate to know if anyone read what I type. But I have no one else to talk to so I secretly wish someone was reading so I keep it open. I just am lost in life. I wish I had a real man to be next to my side.

Tampa, Florida

So i am here again in Tampa and I am still wanting to get the Fuck out. Now I am the one looked upon like I am just the bitch. Wtf have I ever done that was this horrible. I just want to go back home so bad. But I did have fun. I don't understand why I don't get along with guys my age. I just wish I knew. But it never works. NO idea wtf is up their ass. Obviously not me so why be a bitch. Do i threaten all of the hos. Or what In the world have I ever done wrong to anyone except when I get so fucked up that I do say some stupid shit. But still Should not be that rude. I just want to find my life partner and this is all I am trying to do. That will never work because my life partner is already gone. The funny thing about last night is that I don't remember anyone's names. Is this really that bad? I wish I remember names cause I met some really amazing poeple. Sounds really shitty. Lol changing my story really fast. KInda really still drunk and hella burnt but this is me. And i have no one to talk to. So it is really hard to really want to understand how I feel. I feel like a old man trapped in a twink body. Hella ridiculous. I just want to go back to school. Understand life and have a real life. As of right now I think the only way for me to actually have a life is to enlist into some sort of service. I am actually up for it. But now what I did last night I have to wait extra longer. So KInda mad about that. I wish I could have said no more then just the 4 times but all the time. I took two. Why in the world am I that dumb. I didn't eat food at all yesterday. LOL!! I just drank away all day. This is so stupid of me I know. I just wish things where different. I booked my flight today to get the fuck out of Florida. I can't wait to gfet the fuck out of here. So I am flying out the 15th and I am flying out of Orlando and will be arriving in santa ana (orange county airport) I am glad and sad at the same time. Because not just am I going to be leaving this place but I am leaving an amazing place not just that. But I fell in Love in Tampa. With some fucking ass that I know I will never see again. I wish things where different. But I know I was just a fuck instead of actual love. He is a ho and I need to understand this. NO one my age actually wants to have a husband like I do. Except old men. Old men are nice and cute. yes. But are not boyfriend material. Well at least longer then a week or two. I do understand this. I love older men. But it will always just be lust for me and they don't understand this and think I just like them for their money. MONEY!! Of course it is nice but doesn't make you cute.

It's just a dream

Well. Things didn't work out. I was just used as a filler for him. I went to fast I guess. Being super vulnerable is my problem. I pushed him to hard and way to fast that I scared the fuck out of him. So Romeo will always just be a dream. I don't understand really what I did wrong. I feel like I was just to ugly for him. I don't have much to offer but my heart and a smile. Guys want someone who is already stable and has everything in life. I wasn't handed the golden egg growing up so I'm trying to do the best I can. My 21st bday is in the next month. I will enlist in the navy cause I know I can make a life in the service. It may be hard and difficult but I know this is my only option now. I don't want to have to work a job where I'm going nowhere in life. I just want to be happy. I just want to be able to have my own place and car and a nice job. I wish I had my family to lean on but that is absent too. I am such a pitty and a nut case. My future only means for me to be lonely. I can't handle gay men anymore. I should just get a wife from a different country and have kids. She would be loyal to me and bear children for me. Sounds like a great idea. Maybe. I just want to be deployed out and never see life again. I want to scrape the barnickles off the ship with a bunch of sexy navy men. I can't wait to enlist and get out into the world.

The new guy

I am laying in bed. Only slept like 4 hours. I can't get him out of ny head. This guys name is Mr.Romeo.  Omg like how much more better can that one get!?!?! Lol. Well I dunno what it is about this guy cause when I first met him I felt like I already loved and cared about this guy. My heart has those sparks again that I haven't felt since I was 16. The only problem is that I dunno where to start with him or what to do. Sounds silly right? Can't teach a old dog new tricks. Fuck!! Well the only problem is that he is way to good for me. He is everything I dreamed about and then some. He is a gorgeous man. I feel like I was in a relationship for so long that I dunno where to begin. I just get scared and then that turns into super omega bitchy Kenny. Lol. But this man is simply amazing. The funny thing is that I am a month older then him. This probably won't last long once he figures out who I am and that I have nothing to offer. I mean I wish my heart and a smile would be good enough. Probably not with this babe. I am even considering moving all the way to Alabama. Lmao. Did I really give up California or even Florida for Alabama!?!?! Am I that crazy. I mean this guy. When I soll him I felt like I loved him. I dream about him and he's always on my mind. This is crazy to be acting like this. I just can't decipher if its cause I think he is gorgeous. "love or lust" To me I would think in order to want to be with someone you have to want them in every aspect.

Oh Romeo oh Romeo. You stole my heart

So lost

As I sit here in Florida for the second time in my life within a month apart. I still can't think of anything else but my ex. I wish I could stop doing all of this but it still bothers me so much. I dunno how to let anyone into my heart cause it is so guarded. I was asked today if I ask all the things I ask was because I am the one who cheats. I just know how boys are and they talk to almost everyone they possibly can to feel whole when feeling empty. This is so sad that I think this way. I am so bitchy and messy I seam to never do anything right or correct or up to stAndards then everyone else. My belly is so disgusting, I have never felt so fat in my life. This guy is amazing, but I know I am not what he prefers. I have acne, I am hairy, and I don't have a perfect swimmers body. I feel so lost. Should I move out here or should I stay as lost and lonely in riverside. I have been moving around way to much. It is making me so depressed. I should have just went to Washington dc with my job. At least it would have been a job for me to carry on. I just wanna cry and cry and run away. But I can't. No money, no love, no home, no job, no perfect body, no perfect attitude. I see how everyone gets tired of me like yesterdays trash. So I look at myself like I am trash. I dunno who to talk to or who to run to. I don't use anyone but everyone says I do or thinks I do. I can tell the regret in your eyes. I wish I was dead. I wish I. Could just cast obliviate to my pictures to make myself disappear from everything I have ever done or anyone's thoughts. I need to die. I can't take it anymore. I have no family, no friends, Nd no love or life. Where does someone like me go, other then six feet under. Please god help me

5/24/2011

And now I am in Yucaipa. I thought everything was going very well but as i know now i am unable to hold up a great living situation. I still am having problems letting people into my life. And now that i have been sad i have been doing nothing but getting wasted. And i don't like to just drink lightly i love to drink my life away in hopes that i never have to wake up. This may seam crazy but I always black out when I drink. then the next day is just filled with this hate from everyone that really sucks. So i am here today not knowing where i am going with my life. I am stuck with this gorgeous man who I feel as if I can't even talk to anymore. So this really fucking sucks i guess. I am so tired of moving around and being everyone's lil bitch. I just want a life of happiness. But doesn't everyone. Like seriously. Is it that hard to be loved or even to be liked as a person at all. I know myself as to be a level headed guy. I do need to stop drinking though cause i know this is just making it worse to me and to everyone around me. It is not the healthiest way of living how i am doing now. But i guess i am trying. I am no whore so at least i have it going their for me good. But now i feel as if i have to be a whore just to have a place to call home these days. I just want to be held and to be reassured that all my worries and problems in life will just melt away. But will they ever just melt away. Probably not but I am trying. I need a job, but no one will hire me anywhere. So this really fucking sucks. But I am trying. Just my main problem is that I love to be lazy and do nothing with my life and just be online hoping to find someone to talk to or even to just want to be my friend or talk to me. I know how fucking pathetic am i? Seriously.... I know how bad it is. Just i guess i have nothing i can do for my time being. I hate being out of school, because what do i do with myself when i have no friends to be around. At least I am out of Modesto, because that place really drew me down. Even thought the love of my life is out there. I try not to think about it anymore. It has gotten better. I have realized that he is only their for me as a friend and i will never be in his arms again. I have accepted that. Just being away from someone who was their for me for my entire life, well just about. 5 years is a fourth of my life. Which I think that those are the most important times in my life. Cause I grew up with him, well more he grew me up with him. What ever. Times have changed. My entire blog has been all about him. And I have been trying to get rid of all of these feelings but i guess you never stop loving someone in the end. I am myself. I still don't know who that is yet. But I hope I can make someone happy. I need self confidence and self worth in order to enjoy my life. But how do you find all of this out? I am so alone. It hurts. I just need to be held and made sure that life will transpire into something worth living for. Oh did I ever mention that I have gotten a IPL facial. OMG. That really did gurt but like i said it hurt but it is intense pulsated light going straight to your face. I didn't have much down town but all my freckles did get really dark for 3 or 4 days. Then they flaked off slowly but nothing that was pickable. Which was a nice thing because I was scared my entire face was going to peel off. Which it didn't!!!!! LOL. I wish I could go back and get the acne scar treatments but I am a broke bitch that is about to homeless. So right now This is my thing. I have all my shit. I wish I just had like ten thousand dollars to pay for some kind of rent for like 3 years and get a car. I would be able to live such a great life. Hell even if i had 1 grand I would be able to pay off rent for like 3 months then be able to do my thing until then. But i know then i wouldn't be able to pay for that either. So this is just a dream. Is it bad to dream or is it better to wish. Are they the same these days or what is going on with that. Should I keep praying like a idiot like I am doing or keep going on with some kind of quitness to my reality. I really do think about suicide about every other second. Guys my age should be thinking about sex. I think about all the different ways i could die that second without making it look like i really did a thing to myself. Well this is all crazy i know. But I am so lost in myself, and in life that I have no where to go anymore other then the heavens. Is this right full thinking? Probably not. I apply at jobs every day thinking omg ok i could possibly have gotten a job. But that is always bull shit, cause the person next to me is always better then me. I am usually always replaced with someone better and this is something that I don't understand myself. I just want to be loved and accepted and have a stable life. I want to run in the wind and have no worries. I want to ride with the bulls and never get hurt. So for now I will keep listening to my lady gaga "you where born this way" to make myself feel like someone cares out in this world for me. I am so unable to make myself feel good anymore other then just going and getting drunk or listening to some music and getting myself lost in singing. Lol. I do love to sing. It really does make me relax and feel whole.

Well good night. I'm gunna watch I am number four. Hopefully this movie isn't a waste of my life like most men are :>

How do you do it

How do you stop loving someone? I can't open up to anyone else. And every night is a nightmare cause I feel like he's fucking someone else. Fml. It's so hard. This pic has never stopped yet nd I need it to be. I just know that being in his arms again will make my life complete again. But I know he will never want me again. Plus he hasn't loved me for awhile anyway. And here I am fucking worshiping the ground he walks on

The pain

No one sees me in pain. I hid it from the world. I should be asking for help. But I live in no where with no one to talk to. The one person who actually was their for me is no longer. What do I do? Where do I go from here? Should I just keep working to pay off ky own funeral? Save for a casket and everything I would need. Since I wouldn't be able to go anywhere else. I have no one. People act like they care just cause they have to because its family. I don't have friends who like me or care to see me. My life is pathetic. I need my Aaron. I really believe I might not make it out of 2011 alive. I need someone to care for me and to love me and to call me. I pay for a cell phone just to have the internet and music. No one calls me. No one texts me unless I text them or its a holiday. The only people who call me is telemarketing people. But i get excited when that happens. Cause I have someone calling me and asking for me. So I talk to them for a minute before I tell them. I'm not interested in what their selling. I constantly dream and hope to be back in his arms but it will never happen again. I know he didn't want me anymore and was already talking to other people, was just waiting for me to go away. It's life right? I don't have one. I had him and he made me have a family, friends, love, a true lover and giver,.a real man who was always their and helped me understand life and showed me life and love and was my parent, he was my model in life. Now who do I look up to? I don't have Ny figures in this world like I did back at home. My life is now nothing. Should I ride it out to see how life will be and just hit 21. But I don't wanna be alive on my 5th year anniversary with out my husband. How painful would that be. I don't even want to start a new life with anyone. Why? How do I explain who I am when I don't know who I am because I was all Aaron. I look up high for answers but I am not finding them just yet. Life is gone for me and I am empty. I just need to be in his arms again

I know nobody cares. Please respect me as a human. I am so low right now. I need you