So halloween

May not be really there for me this year. I don't really have the wig that i need for it all. So for now that I am lost. Hey I thought this was really cute. So I just had to post this one :D

And also this is me the other day. Since you haven't seen me in some time.

ps.I am adorable

9.27.11

It has been nearly a month since I have updated this thing. I just wanted to be like. Wow. Ok being 21 has its ups and downs. And everything that I have expeierenced has not been the same from when I wasn't. Men are different. I feel like a old man. I also dislocated my knee on my birthday, which is still hurting because i think i dislocated it in my sleep like a week later or even two weeks later. I wish I knew what happened that night. But like always I have been blacking out. So now that I am of age. Things have changed in so many ways. Jessica looks at me like a fucking bitch that she just wants to use me for and when I don't she just gets upset that she doesn't get to that night because I am able to buy the beer and what not for everyone. But not just that. I need a job and everywhere that I have been looking has been nothing but a dead end. I need a job a apartment and a life. I want to have a husband and everthing back to normal again. I don't think this is possible anymore. I want to die. But anyway. Before all of that. I found a new man. His name is Andrew Johnson. Well. He is everything I have ever wanted in a man. He is so perfect that I feel like I am unable to please him in bed and that I should be and or something that I am not. I want to be his perfect everything but it is so hard to be what he wants because he sees everyone out here (west hollywood) as a sexy piece of ass. Tonight we went to a comedy thing and like everything went fine. I am a lil tipsy and everytyhing but like he told me that he was going to cut my head off a picture and paste it onto another picture of a man that was sexy as fuck. Wouldn't that hurt anyone in the first place i mean wtf. Like seriously. And after that he is talking about going and seeing his parents then going to mexico and having some craxy ass fun. asp. Without me. I mean who the fuck goes and says all this crazy ass shit and then thinks that he is the inisint one. Like seriously. What in the world is going on. Wow now he just said we watched limitless with me in the living room. First off. not me. And he wants to watch gnomeo and juliet. Well fuck that was the last movie Aaaron and I soll together. How sad would that be. So I am being this super bitch and just wanting to goto bed, because well I still love my husband and i want to be happy like that. Wow you know whats playing while i type this?!?!?! Enchanted happily ever after.


PEACE!!!!

ily Kenners.

I hope I make it another week....

My last day being 20.

Should I be a illegal drinker one last time of my life?!?! Lol wouldn't that be funny. Might as well live it up now and have my drinks at midnight

-Here is something that really sparked my eye. It was on charmed:

You only hate me because you once loved me. After all we all hate once someone

gotsen

close to us. Those who got close enough to touch our hearts

last day in florida

So I am here in Florida for the last time in awhile. I leave tomorrow and will arrive sometime at noon. I am really excited and also super sad that i am already leaving. If i could stay I would still be here right now and not planning this lame ass trip back to hell. But yet maybe it will all turn out good. I will be coming back in like two months which should be good. I mean if I do come back. I have been hanging out with this really sexy Italian man. He is older then me by like a whole decade but I think I like that better actually. He doesn't seam like a fauxe where he will just be another lame ass liar. Which he said he hates liars as well. So I am hopeing that he isn't one of those people. I want to be loved and not used for sex. So I am trying not to give it up. I just hope this doesn't back fire on me. I know that when holding back can be a problem cause then he might not think that I am into him completely. But This whole mis hap that I fucked his best friend when I came out here for gaydays. LOL! Well I didn't know that one cause he went by a different name then, then what he goes by now. So it isn't entirely my fault I guess. Well I have to get going where going out to Moon Fish and I am uber excited about this. Less then a week away to my bday. Aaron sent out his gift to me today. Really happy about that one. I am glad that he still cares in that aspect. Well I know that bitch will always love me he just wont tell me it cause we don't wanna make it a habit. Even though I can tel him I love him in a heart beat. And be completely happy with the decision of telling him. Anywho. Love ya if you read my drama. :D

Eight days away

So I have eight days until all the holidays start. This is going to be a really bad time for me. I don't want to be alone on the holidays. I just have no one else to spend it with. I don't have my ex husband Aaron anymore to be next to my side. So the holidays start off with my birthday then goes to Halloween. Then Nov 6 will be Aaron and mine fifth year anniversary. Well what could have been our fifth if we made it to it. The worst day ever. No idea how I am going to be able to handle that one. Other then being super wasted or drugged up somehow. Maybe that day will go out in a bang of death. Then Christmas is in December. Which I only had my Aaron for the last four times. I never even got a gift from anyone. I waited for a card with just simple nothings, but I never got that either. How fucking pathetic of a person to have a big family and no one recognizes that fact. It's uber shitty. Then new years first kiss then my poor Valentines day. February is the worst month ever for me. Never know how to do anything right to where I always fuck up my relationships over valrntines day. Be it a week or two weeks from it. I never let it down and get shitted on. I have a problem of true happiness. When I get excited and happy I get overwhelmed and become mean and rude. I still don't understand why I do this. It's gotta be a bipo thing. I just want to be happy in life. Then comes st pattys then Easter then spring then aarons bday. By that time he should already found a new love. If not already. Kinda pathetic that I love him still like I never lost him. But I know if I was in town. He wouldn't be able to resist. At least that's what I keep in my head. Last time I went to modesto we had sex and he told me he loved me and repeated Faak in my ear while he was making love to me. This was after the break up. I just wish I never did anything bad to him so that I can still have him. Is that a silly thing to wish and to want? So in life all I ever wanted is to have my husband and to have a family and a place to call home where I have a stable job. These four things are the missing pieces in my heart. I am unable to attain them. So when is it my turn to be happy again? Not just happy but when can all of my hopes and.dreams come true instead of them only being true when I fall asleep. Please let me know asap. I would def love an answer

Once again

I am stuck in the worst position of my life. I want to cry but I am masking it super hard. I keep pushing but nothing seams to ever really work. Why don't things ever work out like they should!?!?! I mean I pray and pray and pray but I still never find my right path in this life. Figured Florida would have been uber easier then what I thought. But it is the same bull shit. I just want to be happy and have a husband. A real man in my life with no bullshit. Seams like everyone I do find has some sort of emotional ties or some sort of cheating bull shit. It's time to live under Rock and die. Why cant someone actually just do it for me. When is my time?!?! God needs to determine this shit a lot faster cause this needs to just happen already. I do nothing right. I just don't understand it at all.

Perfectiones

I know that I am not perfect. Why strive for something that I can not ever become. I just wish I found that one man who does think that I am perfect. To bad that one I let go. I really miss my pooh bear

Mr.Romeo

This is a picture of me from the other day at the beach. Thought it was cute :D



Is doing it to me yet again. I can't belive that now he actually does want me to go. It is freaking crazy. I will be going to Alabama for a lil while I guess. So fucking happy right now. My birthday is around the corner. Omg I am uber stoked.I can't wait to sleep in his arms all night. I know this is going to be a lil crazy. But oh my. I am so fucking excited. You have no idea. This boy has my heart already. I know I am crazy to even think that right now. Should only be thinking like this after at least 6 months. Maybe it is that he reminds me of all the perfect qualities I want in a man. All though he is a lil ho. But I can look past that. Just the one thing he told me today really hurt but I still will go. I mean you don't tell someone that he has "friends" that he wants to hang out with whom may be potential boyfriends. HELLO!?!?! I am the potential. Unless I am nothing but just a guy to fuck and leave at the house while he goes and finds the real men. How insane!!! :/ But it is whatever. I am not going to let it bring me down. But I know he still plans on it all. I know I am going to be the one crying all day/night about it. That's what really sucks. Thinking about it makes me sad but actually being the guy to wait around like this is insane. Well I have turned my blogger into my own personal Diary. I would hate to know if anyone read what I type. But I have no one else to talk to so I secretly wish someone was reading so I keep it open. I just am lost in life. I wish I had a real man to be next to my side.

Tampa, Florida

So i am here again in Tampa and I am still wanting to get the Fuck out. Now I am the one looked upon like I am just the bitch. Wtf have I ever done that was this horrible. I just want to go back home so bad. But I did have fun. I don't understand why I don't get along with guys my age. I just wish I knew. But it never works. NO idea wtf is up their ass. Obviously not me so why be a bitch. Do i threaten all of the hos. Or what In the world have I ever done wrong to anyone except when I get so fucked up that I do say some stupid shit. But still Should not be that rude. I just want to find my life partner and this is all I am trying to do. That will never work because my life partner is already gone. The funny thing about last night is that I don't remember anyone's names. Is this really that bad? I wish I remember names cause I met some really amazing poeple. Sounds really shitty. Lol changing my story really fast. KInda really still drunk and hella burnt but this is me. And i have no one to talk to. So it is really hard to really want to understand how I feel. I feel like a old man trapped in a twink body. Hella ridiculous. I just want to go back to school. Understand life and have a real life. As of right now I think the only way for me to actually have a life is to enlist into some sort of service. I am actually up for it. But now what I did last night I have to wait extra longer. So KInda mad about that. I wish I could have said no more then just the 4 times but all the time. I took two. Why in the world am I that dumb. I didn't eat food at all yesterday. LOL!! I just drank away all day. This is so stupid of me I know. I just wish things where different. I booked my flight today to get the fuck out of Florida. I can't wait to gfet the fuck out of here. So I am flying out the 15th and I am flying out of Orlando and will be arriving in santa ana (orange county airport) I am glad and sad at the same time. Because not just am I going to be leaving this place but I am leaving an amazing place not just that. But I fell in Love in Tampa. With some fucking ass that I know I will never see again. I wish things where different. But I know I was just a fuck instead of actual love. He is a ho and I need to understand this. NO one my age actually wants to have a husband like I do. Except old men. Old men are nice and cute. yes. But are not boyfriend material. Well at least longer then a week or two. I do understand this. I love older men. But it will always just be lust for me and they don't understand this and think I just like them for their money. MONEY!! Of course it is nice but doesn't make you cute.

It's just a dream

Well. Things didn't work out. I was just used as a filler for him. I went to fast I guess. Being super vulnerable is my problem. I pushed him to hard and way to fast that I scared the fuck out of him. So Romeo will always just be a dream. I don't understand really what I did wrong. I feel like I was just to ugly for him. I don't have much to offer but my heart and a smile. Guys want someone who is already stable and has everything in life. I wasn't handed the golden egg growing up so I'm trying to do the best I can. My 21st bday is in the next month. I will enlist in the navy cause I know I can make a life in the service. It may be hard and difficult but I know this is my only option now. I don't want to have to work a job where I'm going nowhere in life. I just want to be happy. I just want to be able to have my own place and car and a nice job. I wish I had my family to lean on but that is absent too. I am such a pitty and a nut case. My future only means for me to be lonely. I can't handle gay men anymore. I should just get a wife from a different country and have kids. She would be loyal to me and bear children for me. Sounds like a great idea. Maybe. I just want to be deployed out and never see life again. I want to scrape the barnickles off the ship with a bunch of sexy navy men. I can't wait to enlist and get out into the world.

The new guy

I am laying in bed. Only slept like 4 hours. I can't get him out of ny head. This guys name is Mr.Romeo.  Omg like how much more better can that one get!?!?! Lol. Well I dunno what it is about this guy cause when I first met him I felt like I already loved and cared about this guy. My heart has those sparks again that I haven't felt since I was 16. The only problem is that I dunno where to start with him or what to do. Sounds silly right? Can't teach a old dog new tricks. Fuck!! Well the only problem is that he is way to good for me. He is everything I dreamed about and then some. He is a gorgeous man. I feel like I was in a relationship for so long that I dunno where to begin. I just get scared and then that turns into super omega bitchy Kenny. Lol. But this man is simply amazing. The funny thing is that I am a month older then him. This probably won't last long once he figures out who I am and that I have nothing to offer. I mean I wish my heart and a smile would be good enough. Probably not with this babe. I am even considering moving all the way to Alabama. Lmao. Did I really give up California or even Florida for Alabama!?!?! Am I that crazy. I mean this guy. When I soll him I felt like I loved him. I dream about him and he's always on my mind. This is crazy to be acting like this. I just can't decipher if its cause I think he is gorgeous. "love or lust" To me I would think in order to want to be with someone you have to want them in every aspect.

Oh Romeo oh Romeo. You stole my heart

So lost

As I sit here in Florida for the second time in my life within a month apart. I still can't think of anything else but my ex. I wish I could stop doing all of this but it still bothers me so much. I dunno how to let anyone into my heart cause it is so guarded. I was asked today if I ask all the things I ask was because I am the one who cheats. I just know how boys are and they talk to almost everyone they possibly can to feel whole when feeling empty. This is so sad that I think this way. I am so bitchy and messy I seam to never do anything right or correct or up to stAndards then everyone else. My belly is so disgusting, I have never felt so fat in my life. This guy is amazing, but I know I am not what he prefers. I have acne, I am hairy, and I don't have a perfect swimmers body. I feel so lost. Should I move out here or should I stay as lost and lonely in riverside. I have been moving around way to much. It is making me so depressed. I should have just went to Washington dc with my job. At least it would have been a job for me to carry on. I just wanna cry and cry and run away. But I can't. No money, no love, no home, no job, no perfect body, no perfect attitude. I see how everyone gets tired of me like yesterdays trash. So I look at myself like I am trash. I dunno who to talk to or who to run to. I don't use anyone but everyone says I do or thinks I do. I can tell the regret in your eyes. I wish I was dead. I wish I. Could just cast obliviate to my pictures to make myself disappear from everything I have ever done or anyone's thoughts. I need to die. I can't take it anymore. I have no family, no friends, Nd no love or life. Where does someone like me go, other then six feet under. Please god help me

5/24/2011

And now I am in Yucaipa. I thought everything was going very well but as i know now i am unable to hold up a great living situation. I still am having problems letting people into my life. And now that i have been sad i have been doing nothing but getting wasted. And i don't like to just drink lightly i love to drink my life away in hopes that i never have to wake up. This may seam crazy but I always black out when I drink. then the next day is just filled with this hate from everyone that really sucks. So i am here today not knowing where i am going with my life. I am stuck with this gorgeous man who I feel as if I can't even talk to anymore. So this really fucking sucks i guess. I am so tired of moving around and being everyone's lil bitch. I just want a life of happiness. But doesn't everyone. Like seriously. Is it that hard to be loved or even to be liked as a person at all. I know myself as to be a level headed guy. I do need to stop drinking though cause i know this is just making it worse to me and to everyone around me. It is not the healthiest way of living how i am doing now. But i guess i am trying. I am no whore so at least i have it going their for me good. But now i feel as if i have to be a whore just to have a place to call home these days. I just want to be held and to be reassured that all my worries and problems in life will just melt away. But will they ever just melt away. Probably not but I am trying. I need a job, but no one will hire me anywhere. So this really fucking sucks. But I am trying. Just my main problem is that I love to be lazy and do nothing with my life and just be online hoping to find someone to talk to or even to just want to be my friend or talk to me. I know how fucking pathetic am i? Seriously.... I know how bad it is. Just i guess i have nothing i can do for my time being. I hate being out of school, because what do i do with myself when i have no friends to be around. At least I am out of Modesto, because that place really drew me down. Even thought the love of my life is out there. I try not to think about it anymore. It has gotten better. I have realized that he is only their for me as a friend and i will never be in his arms again. I have accepted that. Just being away from someone who was their for me for my entire life, well just about. 5 years is a fourth of my life. Which I think that those are the most important times in my life. Cause I grew up with him, well more he grew me up with him. What ever. Times have changed. My entire blog has been all about him. And I have been trying to get rid of all of these feelings but i guess you never stop loving someone in the end. I am myself. I still don't know who that is yet. But I hope I can make someone happy. I need self confidence and self worth in order to enjoy my life. But how do you find all of this out? I am so alone. It hurts. I just need to be held and made sure that life will transpire into something worth living for. Oh did I ever mention that I have gotten a IPL facial. OMG. That really did gurt but like i said it hurt but it is intense pulsated light going straight to your face. I didn't have much down town but all my freckles did get really dark for 3 or 4 days. Then they flaked off slowly but nothing that was pickable. Which was a nice thing because I was scared my entire face was going to peel off. Which it didn't!!!!! LOL. I wish I could go back and get the acne scar treatments but I am a broke bitch that is about to homeless. So right now This is my thing. I have all my shit. I wish I just had like ten thousand dollars to pay for some kind of rent for like 3 years and get a car. I would be able to live such a great life. Hell even if i had 1 grand I would be able to pay off rent for like 3 months then be able to do my thing until then. But i know then i wouldn't be able to pay for that either. So this is just a dream. Is it bad to dream or is it better to wish. Are they the same these days or what is going on with that. Should I keep praying like a idiot like I am doing or keep going on with some kind of quitness to my reality. I really do think about suicide about every other second. Guys my age should be thinking about sex. I think about all the different ways i could die that second without making it look like i really did a thing to myself. Well this is all crazy i know. But I am so lost in myself, and in life that I have no where to go anymore other then the heavens. Is this right full thinking? Probably not. I apply at jobs every day thinking omg ok i could possibly have gotten a job. But that is always bull shit, cause the person next to me is always better then me. I am usually always replaced with someone better and this is something that I don't understand myself. I just want to be loved and accepted and have a stable life. I want to run in the wind and have no worries. I want to ride with the bulls and never get hurt. So for now I will keep listening to my lady gaga "you where born this way" to make myself feel like someone cares out in this world for me. I am so unable to make myself feel good anymore other then just going and getting drunk or listening to some music and getting myself lost in singing. Lol. I do love to sing. It really does make me relax and feel whole.

Well good night. I'm gunna watch I am number four. Hopefully this movie isn't a waste of my life like most men are :>

How do you do it

How do you stop loving someone? I can't open up to anyone else. And every night is a nightmare cause I feel like he's fucking someone else. Fml. It's so hard. This pic has never stopped yet nd I need it to be. I just know that being in his arms again will make my life complete again. But I know he will never want me again. Plus he hasn't loved me for awhile anyway. And here I am fucking worshiping the ground he walks on

The pain

No one sees me in pain. I hid it from the world. I should be asking for help. But I live in no where with no one to talk to. The one person who actually was their for me is no longer. What do I do? Where do I go from here? Should I just keep working to pay off ky own funeral? Save for a casket and everything I would need. Since I wouldn't be able to go anywhere else. I have no one. People act like they care just cause they have to because its family. I don't have friends who like me or care to see me. My life is pathetic. I need my Aaron. I really believe I might not make it out of 2011 alive. I need someone to care for me and to love me and to call me. I pay for a cell phone just to have the internet and music. No one calls me. No one texts me unless I text them or its a holiday. The only people who call me is telemarketing people. But i get excited when that happens. Cause I have someone calling me and asking for me. So I talk to them for a minute before I tell them. I'm not interested in what their selling. I constantly dream and hope to be back in his arms but it will never happen again. I know he didn't want me anymore and was already talking to other people, was just waiting for me to go away. It's life right? I don't have one. I had him and he made me have a family, friends, love, a true lover and giver,.a real man who was always their and helped me understand life and showed me life and love and was my parent, he was my model in life. Now who do I look up to? I don't have Ny figures in this world like I did back at home. My life is now nothing. Should I ride it out to see how life will be and just hit 21. But I don't wanna be alive on my 5th year anniversary with out my husband. How painful would that be. I don't even want to start a new life with anyone. Why? How do I explain who I am when I don't know who I am because I was all Aaron. I look up high for answers but I am not finding them just yet. Life is gone for me and I am empty. I just need to be in his arms again

I know nobody cares. Please respect me as a human. I am so low right now. I need you

So I hold onto my blanket like he is on the other side

4/14/2011

how do you stop loving your husband? We are apart. Scared it will forever be like this. Wish someone could help me. I am so lost. It has nearly been 2 months without my other half. What do I do? I need help. Please someone

Love

What do I do with it? I miss him. U almost need him. He was my everything

Suicide

Every day it gets worse. No one cares about me anymore. I have no one. No family. No friends. No home. No love. No food. No money. No diploma. No bed. No car. No goals. Nothing to make me happy.

I can't take this anymore. Drinking is the only thing helping me because it makes me not care that no one is their for me.

I really do believe this is the end for me. I can't smile anymore I can't laugh I can't think I can't support myself. I can't eat sleep or use the potty regularly.

I dont fit into this whole straight society. No one will hire me
and I'm scared of losing my job because of being gay. So why bother

Everyone I come into contact. Uses me and my niceness. Everyone I'm interested in and who I believed I was like them, always said they don't like the things I'm into. I tried for 5 years for Aaron to understand that I love the same music. In not just set in stone though. I love everything.

Days go by. It gets harder. I need someone to care. To hold me and kiss these thoughts out. But I doing have anyone except this blogger to talk to. Please world. Where us my place. Where do I belong? Will I last a week longer?

Im not sure if I will anymore

Alone

I am further then alone anymore. My significant other by now has probably been talking to jailbate again. I need him.

My life has zero worth anymore.

I might not make it another month. I really can't do this alone anymore.

Good bye

3/3/2011

I’m wondering, will you ever stop missing someone you love or someone who you really believe was your soulmate?


you would never get over the loss but would learn to live with it. a soulmate is someone you cant live without, they are in your heart and mind always. a soulmate is the other half of your essence and without them your are incomplete. love like that will last a life time and beyond


This life sucks! I really do miss him so much

3/1/2011

A new month.

Life is still hard. My heart hasn't been able to keep up with my life anymore. It still hasn't came back to me. I believe I left it in Modesto with Aaron. Well Things have been going along. I have seen so much of San Diego and there is always more to see. Never ending. This city is so big. It reminds me of San Jose and San Francisco mixed together. But some areas that people call the bad side of town I thought where cute and seamed just like modesto (home).


Yesterday we went to this crazy beach. Soll my new school (san diego city college) and also went to coranado. The most craziest freaking bridge in the entire world. I was so scared being on it. You have no idea. lol. Haha. Well today is yet another beautiful day to go out exploring. I guess we are going to explore more beaches today. Not sure but I am excited to get going now. Just sophia is getting ready and taking forever. lol



This was the beach picture I got out of yesterday. It was so pretty. Just got windy and cold after like 20 mins being there.





These panorama pictures got a lil messed up. I wasn't able to stich them completely perfectly together. The program said it was way to big to put these two pictures together to get a full view. BTW this is Coranado. When we got there someone put me on video camera to talk about the bridge and say why it shouldn't be dubbed kennedy after the past president. Which is weird, I just met coranado and they wanna change the name? How rude.


IMY ILY ARD

2/25/2011

Well here I am on here yet again. I have nothing to do anymore other then these four classes, which I can barely even do those. LOL!

Today was unusually odd. The weather here is super sunny but yet its hot but really windy so it make it cold with the wind chill. I miss my modesto weather. How I gotten so ust to how it is. Although during the summer I tend to stay in all day everyday just because the triple digit weather is so intense and being inside with the air conditioner is so nice. Because its so airy and the days just seam to fly away with house at ease it is. Being with the one I loved made it all better though.


I don't have a room yet. It is pre occupied at the moment and all of my stuff is everywhere. I have bags here and bags their, so my stuff is all laid out at the momemnt. They have two dogs and where just getting over being puppies. They have ruined this apartment. The carpet was new and fresh paint. Now the carpet is all fucked up and stanky, their new couch reaks and has so many spots all on it. Blood everywhere from the dog being on her period. ICK! And all my expensive clothes are on this. Im so disgusted. This house stinks. Once I get the room I am going to clean it up with such deepest cleaning anyone has ever done to a room. I am going to be excited to actually get my own room though because This has never been the instence since I was at least 16. SO it will be weird at first having all of this new things going on. But I should be able to live better then how I am doing now.

I had just lost my husband and ended up leaving my home city to live in this crazy huge city where I am sleeping on the couch the is disgusting and all my shit laying out everywhere. Some of my shit is going to get chewed up or even peed on. So You know what its what ever. I have nothing else I can do. It is going to be weird sleeping on a twin bed again though. I haven't slept on one of those in some time. It kind of excites me but then again makes me miss being with Aaron next to me the entire time. I love him so much that I don't know how to live with out him. Being next to him the this entire time for like 5 years has made me one with him. Where I feel completely naked with out knowing that he is coming home to me. Not just coming home to me but also just having with me at almost every second doing everything that this world has together. Watching every movie with him and tv shows. We even love the same genre of books. We loved board games but I am competitive. lol. That and we didn't have room to harbor them so we never really spent the money on many games. Music that we enjoyed together is always playing constantly. Hearing his voice soothes me to sleep with his warmth.


Wow. Sorry I tend to get a little deep on a lot of things going on through my head. I am always just sitting here wondering.


School is kicking me in the ass. I have to do Procedures in the Justice system (202) mid term on chapters 1-6. And that is scaring the shit out of me right now cause it says it is a 2 hour test. And i havn't read any of this book, Aaron helped me out with so much of it that I didn't actually learn or remember much of it. Not just that but Community Policing (205) class has a chapter test on chapter 7 which should go smoothly. The point of actually getting it done is my problem. The motivation is never their but the motivation for everything else is forever their. Lol. but I also have Criminal Investigation (212) chapter test which that chapter test is for chapter 7 as well. Ugh repetition is a bitch I guess. Well this will actually completely help me out though because now I can activate my brain to do more of everything else that I don't do. Drug use and abuse (217) has a chapter test for chapter 7 too. Eeeeek so many things to do this weekend. That I am unsure that I am going to be able to do all of this before I have to because it is going to be the weekend. And my brother wants to come home and get drunk and do some crazy thing called ambien. This is something that I would never consider. Which I am going to try to fool them that I did it. End up just getting super drunk because I have been needing to get a lil tipsy here and there... Alright well diff subject now :D



My phone is so broken right now. I have metro pcs and have the blackberry curve 8530. It is a really nice phone. Aaron actually bought it for me for my 20th bday. Which made me really happy :D But well It has been deleting all my contacts lately and just having so many problems with it that I have no idea what is going on with it anymore. I love this phone and I can't understand why this is doing that. I had went to metro pcs in modesto like a week and a half ago, I was supposed to get a call about it. I swear I should of just did the 30 dollar get a new phone. UGH! Well about that. I am getting my school check next month. Im not sure if I have to buy the hotel anymore for my birthday because I think I could get people to take me somehow. I dunno. Its all good though. I just hope Aaron will still go with me. That's all I really care about. lol. So with not knowing if I have to buy my ticket or not I think I am getting AT&T'a new motorola atrix 4g :D omg. well thats if i think I could afford it. Sophia says that I can be added to their family plan. But it should be like 40 bucks for all of it a month extra, but almost no mins. And I would like to be able to call Aaron as much as I want. I might have to get cricket. Because it is out here in san diego and metro pcs is not. So this hella sucks. My nice new expensive phone is ghetto out here. Ugh!.


Well sophia is hasseling me to go with her to get pizza. SO I will be right back.

I love you if you read any of this :D (at least someone is listening)

recent pictures.

Just some pictures from what has or was this past weekish.

I will forever miss my sexy man :/

These Pictures where the day of valentines day. I will always remember this amazing day with my husband. I love this man with everything I am. I just wish I still had him to love and hold me like we just were the other day. I am doing actually really bad. No one notices it. No one realizes that I am alone and need comfort. But the sad part is that I just wish he would hug me kiss my forhead and tell me everything is going to be fine like he would always do. He was the most perfect guy anyone could ever meet.

Aaron I really need you. I'm crying typing all of this.


.. if you are reading this, that is..

if so I posted this cute pic of me that you took. ILY! <3 href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjOl8Gpy8DjtaWpu43bVz6k4cWCcEjmYGL37ZEYArhHsTaB7eMdU29qDNlGYQ9L36NsyJ7kMDCBRrDYGYvJi9FFJgY4jfTK6EieaPMwk0HxHwgCW1zdgrhCcauvpPswfB4_rVNbBT9nf8Y/s1600/DSC09154.JPG">And this picture is for my own enjoyment. He is so fucking gorgeous! <3

This Video may be super old. But he this is what I have been watching over and over and over on my phone. I am so sad. This is pathetic. I cry to a video of my husband or I guess ex in his eyes because I want to here him say that he loves me.

A couple bad things happened today. I went to take a shower, Waited forever for Aaron to come in and join me. But I forgot I wasn't at home with my chubby hubby. I broke down in that shower. I wanted to have him in their with me so bad. I am so pathetic. :/ Another instance: I went to go get my computer. His pirates of the carribean banky was in their with pictures of him and drawings he did that I all love to death with the valentines day card with all the notes and love stuff he has been writing to me. I am such a emotional wreck. I need him in my life. I need to see his smile and hold his hand. Another thing: Everything I look at I would comment about it to Aaron, well I was doing that tonight with sophia and jimmy in the room. Expecting to hear Aaron's voice say something back about what I got excited about like usual. But nothing but why are you talking? Or shush up tv is on. I need my baby. I have no one to talk to or to go to. I am all alone and I don't know if I can do this with out you. You kicked my ass in line and had me doing so good as a person. whatever. I'm crying to much so i gotta go.

This pain is to strong.


Aaron I MISS YOU!


I can't stop crying so I will post again maybe tomorrow.

I love you If you where reading this and listening to me. :/

new life

I don't know what is going to be for me when I get out of here.

Do I even remember being able to be my own person?


I rely on Aaron for so much. Even the little things. Everything I look at or even here or taste I think of Aaron. We spent over 4 years together. Being insuperable. I have experience my entire growing up ages with him, I am not sure if I can do this alone. Who will I become or what am I even going to do in my life. All the goals I have thought I had are all gone now. Everything is blank. I am writing on a new peice of paper in my life and I dunno if I want to rip it or keep writing my story.

Even though we are not together. I really do love Aaron with all my heart. I may be the bipolar bitch that has problems. But in this world who doesn't fuck up, we are only human and humans fuck up daily. No one can be perfect. All in all I wish him the best of luck. I don't know how I am going to do this with out him. I just want to make sure he is going to be happy. If he isn't going to be happy then maybe he will need me back. Someday I hope he could forgive me. This is probably highly unlikely. We all grow up, and I know it is time for me to continue school or if that goes under then go into the Navy then come back and finish school. The hard thing is that, With all of this hope I would still end up back in Modesto for at least over a year just so I can finish up my school. I could finish up what ever I can online so that when I come back I can get myself a job and only have to take like 2 classes that are mandatory. I feel bad that I am going to have to fail 2 classes. These other 4 classes are kicking my ass, But I need to try and succeed at them. I will, but I need so much help that Aaron does for me.

He is the reason why I wake up Happy every morning. Because I usually wake up cuddling with him and sleeping next to his cuteness. I will miss his touch, his love, the way he looks at me, the smiles he gives me, the unconditional hope that transpires to take care of me more then himself, the way he could always make me smile and laugh when I am crying or down, when im stressed he always found a way to fix my problems. This list can go on forever. 5 years of built up emotions. I am losing more then a lover, I am losing my best friend. I have never knew anyone as much as I knew him. And I never let anyone know as much as he did, we really did connect on so many levels. Life is a bitch and I can't belive I ruined it. But this has been comming for me for awhile now. I just need to understand and learn from this, and not let my crazy bitchyness get out of control.


I don't think I ever want to date anyone else. I can't even think about that. Starting new with someone else is just not the answer for me. I know I am going to be singele for awhile

New Beginning.

2/17/2011



My new beginning is something I have been trying to work on. This is not a instant goal. But this goal is prolonged. I have been working on change. Change is good but I have been changing for the worse so I am going to list my problems so I can review my problems. Right them down so I can see what I need to change. Somewhere that I can see all the problems so that I am able to sort them out. So here is the many problems I have with either stress or things I need to do, such as mini goals and school. So please don't read to much into this because this is somthing I need to put out their so I can have more hope to fix the problems that occur in my life.
: school anxiety has built up again, so much to read and remember in such short times, trying to balance my home life with my love life, keeping up with chores, keeping up with P90X videos, trying to please my best friends without the drama, my addiction to online shopping, my problem with always having a nap, scared to eat in front of random people, I like to binge, I have a problem with always taking pictures of usually anything, to always shave every other day, quit smoking (EEeeeKKk), encourage aaron more, keep up my perseverance and confidence, Stop letting people use me, stop thinking everyone likes me and learn to let go, slow down on partying, learn English and grammar, get rid of my belly, stop letting people walk all over me with my money, stop giving people cigarette's because 5 dollars a day for cigs is expensive, lacquer my desk before it gets ruined, stop mixing alcohol with caffeine because it makes me impulsive and do dumb shit and everything I say is lies, stop buying hollister clothes and buy more adult clothes (dressy/classy/sexy), learn to call the doctor a week before to get a refill on my prescription instead of a day before I am out, also keep trying to become a ninja in Aaron and I's apartment (old house and it shakes the whole complex when we walk, and our front door slams and shakes at least 4 apartments. LOL >_<), stop being embarrassed to wash clothes at a laundry mat or even using our laundry on cite, also putting away all the clothes after washing everything right away, stop leaving stuff out when I shower, when taking clothes off from smoking or not to not just throw them in our living room and instead put them away where they belong, when I cook to not throw everything everywhere and do the dishes right away so it does not pile up, do at least the dishes everyday so that their will always be less and not so intimidating, when I wake up I wish it was habit to stretch and make the bed but I usually just wake up smoke a stoag them jump right in the shower or eat something then get into the shower(lallygagging)


Wow this list took me forever. I would say everything I do I wish I could change. Isn't that sad or what :/



Well I will get back to here. Pretty much about future stuff that goes on in my life.


I love you

ps. Please don't take anything I said out of context. Or even make drama by the things I have said. This is how I feel what I need to do. In order to keep myself to wakeup everyday. Life is a constant battle, and I want to conquer it. Each year I turn a new age or I like level. I am at level 20 and when I get to level 21 I will learn new tricks ;) But every level gets better then the last. I am ready for my journey threw this, I have my right hand man Aaron to help me and push me through, as I do with him and we work with each other to better ourselves.

hope

/hoʊp/ Show Spelled [hohp] noun, verb, hoped, hop·ing.

–noun

1.

the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best: to give up hope.

2.

a particular instance of this feeling: the hope of winning.

3.

grounds for this feeling in a particular instance: There is little or no hope of his recovery.

4.

a person or thing in which expectations are centered: The medicine was her last hope.

5.

something that is hoped for: Her forgiveness is my constant hope.

–verb (used with object)

6.

to look forward to with desire and reasonable confidence.

7.

to believe, desire, or trust: I hope that my work will be satisfactory.

–verb (used without object)

8.

to feel that something desired may happen: We hope for an early spring.

9.

Archaic . to place trust; rely (usually followed by in ).

—Idiom

10.

hope against hope, to continue to hope, although the outlook does not warrant it: We are hoping against hope for a change in her condition.

V-Day

My update. 2/14/2011 11-12am

So today is Valentines day. :D

( these are the gifts Aaron had got me this year. But I actually opened one before I took this picture)

I have been so busy these past few weeks. I feel like time has not stopped yet. I still need that brake, but I actually have been doing so much better. I am still lazy and not really caring about school. Which is bad, I am paying attention in classes though. So it's all what/ev. Last night Aaron gave me my first pre valentines day gift. He is so sweet. He gave me a closet organizer that I have been wanting for like 6 years. Just never managed to buy it for myself. Anywho I spent most of my night fixing up my closet.


I guess it is still a work in process. I have class in just about a hour. So I may need to update some other day.

We woke up today together. It was really super cold. Actually really sucked that it was that freezing. But I got up got the coffee mug I got for him and made some sweetened green tea. The mug I got him was a chalk board mug and I wrote on it saying that I love him and some sweet notes. I gave that to him along with the heart of chocklates. Yea I know the heart is a must have for Valentines day. Dove chocklates in a cute metal tin. Like a darker red and mattalic looking I guess. He was happy. Then I came out with the white box. Oh wait lol. I will have to go back now. Aaron woke me up this morning with his chockaltes and the cutest couples coupons. I have always mentioned this and I was so happy that he got those. So now I get to use the couples coupons when ever I want and he wont be able to say anything :P But along with this was a dozen Roses. Omg. Isn't Aaron so amazing! I was more then 75 percent asleep when this had all happened but I loved it sooo much. I actually think I fell back to sleep then he got out of the shower and I woke back up and then gave him my stuff. Now back to the white box. I had bought matching personalized shirts of our symbol of when we got together. [FAAK] 11-6-06. I believed that he loved him. lol. But then I came out with the other box and his eyes lit up so much. So then he gave me my things. This green shirt that has a tie that is a light but porminent green with the cutest khakis. Then he got me hollister clothes that are supah cute too :D

Well enough bragging. Just today is such a great day. And it is not over yet.


2/17/2011 8:00

Sorry I didn't get back. But that day went really well. Was really super amazing. Aaron got me a suit :D it is soooooo amazing!

Will post pictures later >_<

I love you if you are reading this. :D

It is really hard to tell what is going on these days. I feel like it should still be like 2 weeks ago. Class should of just started. I can't keep up with time when everyday I have it planned out for the next year. How do I not give up and try to turn this all around. The bad part about that, is that it would set me off course and then I would be lost. School this semester is super overwhelming. I can't do so many units (18) and not have a breath of air. The weight of the Earth is on me and I can't seam to overlook it and study daily and not want to just do so many other things. At times it feels as if I am on pilot mode viewing at a third person point of view. Is this strange? I guess normal is just within the community of society.


Anywho.


I studied so hard for awhile and I had a test this morning. Let's say I did NOT do so well. :/ I get so nervous getting the paper that everything I remembered just drops. Then I pay attention to every little noise during class time. It gets really annoying; coughing to sneezing to people tapping or grunting and talking also how no matter what there always has to be cell phones on where Theresa a musical of vibrators.


rant. rant. rant.


Aaron and I did our 12th day of P90X!!! :D All of the results of people are really letting me down now though. I see all the men get really ripped and buff. My results have made me lose to much weight already. 10 pounds :/ I really wanted to gain lean muscle. I guess I need to get that flat body before I can build. It just took me 4 years to gain weight. ( I have always been so skinny my entire life. Well until Aaron taught me how to eat. :P) I went from being at 115-120lbs for around 6 years. Gained weight when I was young then grew into it. But I did finally brake my weight and went all the way up to 155. Pretty much of pure fat though. I was happy but then it brought me down because I built up quite a unhealthy lifestyle that I was turning into a sloth. So I tried WalMarts frozen dinners the great value less calorie food that is like 2usd, well I was able to lose 10 pounds. Was super stoked on that. But now the P90X is making me shred those pounds. I weigh right now 134. I was so scared today that I would go right back into my high school body that I bought a bunch of health drinks and protein stuff. Hopefully the explode makes me fill out. Gaining so much from just these 12 days like energy to do so much and the want/drive to actually be happy has made my goals so much better. Just I feel like I signed up for to much. Like I had said earlier MJC is kicking my ass. No down time. I just really am trying to be at the best shape of my life by the time I turn 21!!! VEGAS BABY :D


Well now I will talk about Vegas. Aaron is hopefully taking us their. SO EXCITED!!!! I buy the hotel next month. We will be staying at new york new york at some deluxe with 2 queen beds. So we have 4 extra seats. But Hopefully I can find someone over 21 or 21. lol. (im the eldest within my friends) lol. I need help. I will be posting some ideas here so I have somewhere to create my itinerary

p90x journey

I have started the P90X thing about a week ago. It has been nothing but pain and muscles aching. But I am trying my hardest to pull through. I have my Hubby Aaron with me going through the muscle confusion as well. We are very excited for our results. My main goal was just to be as fit as I never was before I turn 21. Well really just before this summer, but ultimately I would love to be fit for my 21ist birthday and the whole year. My birthday is sep 1 so I will probably end up making P200X. lol I have so much time that I can't wait. School Has been going full blast this semester and I am excited to say that I will have 45 units by the end of this semester :D So i guess this is al the plus.

Will be back weekly for updates. Pictures will come monthly