Aaron

I dunno what I do wrong inside my head. I still hold onto things that I should never. I still love things that I have no reason in loving. I find myself so lost these days then I have ever. It has been longer then I have known then what I should have understood. I am so lost. These past two months have been the hardest of my life then I have ever. I try to avoid using that facebook from seeing someone else's happiness but all I ever want to do is check to see if someone is still single. Or every other site that I know they are on. I am ruined inside. What do you do when the love of your life is not yours. The one you built the world with and he is still miles and miles apart. So far gone I am sure he never even thinks of me. I am sure he might but not as much as I do. I mope around feeling so lost that I am not by his side or that we aren't doing everything that they are doing now. I hurt myself seeing this. I hurt myself seeing that they are doing everything we did together. Wasn't that something that we did together. Did I mean anything? I miss my best friend. You have no idea how hard it has been for me. We spent over 4 years together and then after we split up we still talk for over a year then all I know is that it's gone. He just finds someone else to be proud about and leaves me in the dust. I hurt. No one cares about me. I am just lost. I am going no where in life anymore. With him I was someone and people where proud of me for everything that I have accomplished even though that was little. Aaron truly is the love of my life and in my heart is my husband. How do people just run away from what is really there. I miss everything about him. Even though he hates me, and I am a bipo bitch. I just wish I was in his arms again. So now I just drink to try to live in the moment since I live in the past. When I had soll him last was in may and it was amazing. We hung out and lived our life again with each other for those 3 hours. He sang to me and made me feel just at home when we sat next to each other and sorta cuddled a little bit. Seeing everything in his apartment that was ours and everything that we worked hard for together to keep and acquire. Just to know that some guy is inside our home taking it all away from me. He doesn't understand the memories we have. Does my baboo even understand that even the queen bed he sleeps on from the house of Griswold and his brother being crazy with the noodles down the drain when we brought it into the living room all the time. Or those parsons tables. Our first apartment in Colorado after you lived at my moms house with me and we began such an amazing life together. To both of the desks. The black one was mine that I bought with Financial Aid and you built it even though you broke it was perfect and the brown one when I tried to buy you the metal desk that you wanted from wal-mart your mother went behind my back and got you that instead for you from target for Christmas. To the mosaic painting that I spent weeks trying to find that is hung up. The two black picture frames from 2 years of valentine days that are still up just without pictures of us in it. To all the clothes you wear still. Your main facebook profile right now where you are on a trip with the ho wearing the shirt that meant so much to me and us. The KREW shirt. You know why it is important. Did you wear that and think about everything. I feel like it hurt that you let some other guy touch you while wearing that shirt. To the tie rack that you touch everyday for work. Am I still in your heart somewhere? The entire Kitchen of random stuff that we shared together. It hurts me the most that you bring other guys into the home we built together. I still remember when we where able to finally get our place together in Modesto. Getting the key and sitting in the empty apartment.

To all the birthdays we spent together and the last ones I was unable to be there for. I couldn't even say happy birthday until you hung up on me. I miss you Aaron. I miss us. I miss my Baboo. I miss my chubby hubby. I miss calling you duck. I miss your cute smile you give me with the pillow and you look up. I miss your hand holding mine. I miss your arm around me every night. I miss how smart you are and everything I asked you knew the answer to and helped me out. I miss how whenever I needed you you where right there to find me, I miss how we would just talk for days hell we talked non stop for over 5 years, our 9 hour conversations on the phone when I was in san jose, 98 degrees I will always love you, time after time quietdrive, Picture Filter, Ratatouille, Mogaley and Mr Bear, the long kisses we would enjoy together, the amazing sex, our adventurers we had, the drunken moments, the endless talks about the life we would have, sharing the things we wanted together, buddy & sasha, I miss that you where my best friend my love my night and shinning armor and not just that but you where all mine. [FAAK]

July?!?!

Wow today is the 9th of july already. I have no idea how time always goes by so darn fast. So now life for me has changed so much and I am fed up with all my decions that I have made. I have been doing summer school for two classes. I ended up getting both D's :/ ugh. I know right. I didn't try that hard and I was on vacation for half the semester. I didn't try as hard because I told myself I wasn't good enough and that I didn't have the textbooks for both of them. Which I could have had if my school sent me the money for it. Well wow. Now I am happy. I just checked my school transcripts and I got two C's!! Fuck yes. I will take C's any day over a D! I have this problem with my life now. I want to move to Florida but I have built such a great foundation out here in Utah with Jared. If I leave him to go out to Florida I dunno if we would be together. Ya, it would last for a week or even up to a month. How I don't trust men would always get in the way of everything. So knowing that he may be already cheating on me I would just forget him and go and do the same even though he may not be doing it, I can't stop my heart from thinking what it thinks. To myself I belive I should just stay here and tuff it up and be a college student like everyone else has. I am still lost in this world and don't know what is going to happen to me. I think I am going to stay here with Jared. It kills me to even want to be away from someone who loves me and who I love back. It also scares me that I am in love and that it makes me want to run. I dunno why I always get like this. I wanna run but yet I wanna run back into there arms. I did this with Aaron and it never went well. I still love my Aaron babycakes but that is in the past. I should have learned from all of that and put that into my relationship now. I don't know what I am going to do. I just want air conditioner so that makes me want to run by it's self. lol. I need someone to tell me what to do. I wish I could text aaron and talk to him about me. He always knew how to help me out and do what I needed to do. For now I am lost

New updates. TCA #2

So today is my 24 hours from my second TCA peel 25% I also have been doing the derma roller every sunday followed by the 40% glycolic peel on Mondays. I haven't noticed much of a difference. But yet it is so gradual that I am unable to notice it myself. Plus it has only been one month of actually doing all of this. I just can't wait until I have a perfect face like the famous people do. I did go back home last week and my brother said that my face looked really good. Which I am not to sure if its that noticeable yet. I still have like months and months of all this burning my face off. I have noticed that my tattoo has gotten lighter. Not by completely much though. I do need to wear more sunscreen though. I feel as if I have been lacking from actually doing that for my skin. I am still taking my Doxycycline medication but I do end up forgetting to take it every-once in awhile. (which is like every other day) lol. So I just took my two pills now that I wrote about them. Ha. I have noticed that doing all of the chemicals I haven't broken out in awhile. It just shows more of all my scars instead of being inflamed with acne. I don't have any pictures to update but I do have a photo from my vacation.



So Now that I got my updates of all the acid and acne crap. I been feeling like my life has purpose and I have yet to discover what this really means to me. I have had dreams that I become famous and or rich or something happens to me that I become in the history books. I don't know why I been feeling like this. I have always felt so good about my life being below normal and or average. I just feel like I am ready for life to start and give me the things that I need. I am ready for all that it has to offer. I need people in my life, well certain people in my life. I just need to learn how to forget certain other people and how to hate people. Which I have no hate in me at all. I don't understand this about me. People can be mad and what not and never talk to others. While I am here always wondering what happened to that one other person that I have known and what not. I on the other hand always forget. I can be bitchy and naggy but doesn't mean I a hate someone or can hold a grudge longer then a minute. I read up on it and I still can't seam to learn that. Well. Gotta get to bed. I love you if you actually read my life and problems and issues. <3

Glycolic Update

I don't really see a difference in any of the peels that I have done. I don't understand why those people online have gotten such amazing results. I will have to do it a lot more. I just almost see no point in it all. It really hurts and seams to make no difference in my acne or scars or even my wrinkles. The only thing that it has done is just make me glow as if I was a pregnant girl. So now I am stuck on actually doing the peels or not doing the peels. Maybe I will just do it weekly until the product is gone then figure out the before and after instead of thinking of some amazing thing was going to all of a sudden happen. On the other note I am able to tell that when I use the peels that It makes me break out and pushes out the acne the was going to come and then I seam to be clear but have that to worry about and to heel. So I guess the glycolic wasn't for any acne scarring and just for acne. To push out all the impurities that was in my face. My next peel is on Saturday before we leave to california. We are going to hit up Vegas before we get out there and spend a entire day walking around being weird I guess. I am looking forward to seeing my bro again. I wanna ask him if I can take his upgrade for a new phone. But the new Iphone 5 hasn't came out yet so I see no point just yet. So I am still stuck with my HTC inspire 4g. Which is fine I just want something new and different. It seams like I have had this thing forever and a day. But it has only been about a year and if that. So I will update the pictures with how I look today. Rememeber that I had just woken up and it is a boring lazy day. Love you if you read this

40% glycolic acid peel

This picture is the After the TCA experiment and right before I did the Glycolic peel.

So today it has been nearly a week since I have done my TCA peel. Which tomorrow should be the full week. But I was getting anxious and totally had to do this other peel that I had gotten in the mail. I was super excited for this product as well. Only really because I knew that I wouldn't look like a zombie after using this product. So it made me a super happy person. The TCA hasn't really showed much of a difference once it was all heeled up. It only took me 3-4 days of actual peeling to get rid of it all. Although I have enough for one more peel which I will end up doing after I come back from my vacation in like two weeks. The glycolic went well. It did hurt but the instructions that it came with helped me in more then one way. It became a fan that I used to air dry it and make it less burning. Which felt great. I also put the acid on my Tattoo. Dunno if it will do much but anything is worth a try. I will be doing Glycolic peel's weekly part of my Sunday wash away program. Which usually starts off with ridding a hang over and laundry and getting ready for the week coming up. My derma roller still has not came in yet. I am kinda iffy on if it actually will or not. I have no clue where it has gone. Which makes me really sad because I was really looking forward to receiving this product. Although I am super terrified on if it would hurt or not. People saying that it makes popping sounds isn't all the intriguing.

TCA peel 25% Day Two + Random

So today is my second going on third day after I did my TCA peel. And I have already started the peeling process. It is so hard not to peel it because I have nothing else to be doing but be picking at my face. It has given me a little bit of anxiety just to pick it and get it off my face but trying not to. I guess I am just anxious to be able to go outside again and hang out with people. I have plans tomorrow for a couple things to be doing so I am worried that I will be some zombie kid roaming around. I just hate that I have to actually tell people all about the process and what it is and how much it is and for why I am doing this to myself. In the pictures that I had taken you can't tell really how bad the peeling is because I have no natural light and its just taken off my HTC inspire cell phone. That and it is a snow storm today so it has been dark since around 1pm. LAME! lol. So I have been still putting the jojoba oil, almond oil and vitamin E on my face to help this peel be faster and get rid of everything. Today in the mail I got my 40% glycolic peel, which is making me anxious to use that after all of this has been done. So then I will be doing that and am pretty excited to get that going. I got a 30ml/1oz of it. So I will be doing that once a week every week until the bottle is gone. Then will be going back to a TCA peel then I was thinking of doing about 30ml/1oz of Lactic acid. While doing all of the glycolic acid peels I will also be doing a derma roller which hasn't came in yet so I am excited to get that going as well. I only got a .5mm derma roller so I figured I would try that then go bigger if I need to. Since of me doing all of this is to actually make myself look flawless I don't wanna fuck my skin up and look even worse. So back to the TCA peel. I have been drinking a lot of water. When I mean a lot I really mean like a gallon a day. Which helps make your body heel faster. Or help with acne. I dunno really. It's just good for ya. ok. ok. hehe. I also have been bleaching my teeth with Watts 35% carbamide peroxide. Which has made my teeth so much whiter already. I will do a before and after once I completed that process. I am unable to do a twice a day for it because my teeth and gums tend to hurt so I only do it once a night for thirty mins. I am a smoker so my teeth where a lil discolored but not like a yellow highlighter. lol. I am willing to do anything these days to get a perfect face/teeth/body. Which I tell myself I am going to actually do P90X again but last time I only did the first 30 days because I lost 20 pounds and was super skinny so I was like. Oh whatever I go what I wanted. So I might do another 30 days so I can get my summer body back and running for the beaches and swimming house parties.

Like I said you can barely tell that I am peeling but trust me. I did the peel on Monday at 3pm and I took this picture today Wednesday at 3pm. So it really only took me two days to begin peeling. Which for me this is exciting news. I know for next time I should probably start this after going out on Saturday and it should be cleared up by Tuesday night. Just thought this was uber cute since I am a Winnie the pooh lover. :D

TCA peel 25%

So yesterday I started my adventure on having amazing skin without all the darn acne scars. At first I thought it wasn't working but after two minutes I felt it. And oh boy did I really feel it.  I just can't wait to actually see my results after all this nasty peeling.

So this is me before I started my peel.

And this is what I would look like after a lil makeup. Which I don't use much but it does help out a lot. Thanks to The men pen













And then this is right after I did the peel. I did frost a little bit which you can't really tell on these pics because my phone made them smaller then they really are :/ But I did avoid letting it stay on to long since I read for about a week on all the reviews and all the youtube videos of people burning themselves. So I knew once I soll some white it was time to rinse off. Which people never told me that trying to get it off was the most painful thing ever. Water wasn't helping so made sure I had mixed some baking soda and water together in a cup before doing this incase it was extreme. So I threw that on my face and it burned 10x more for like 3 seconds then finally was calmed down. Which I guess if you don't numb your face before this then you just gotta deal with boiling water on your face. lol. I also applied the peel to my Tattoo and my scar on my arm from when I cut myself back when I was 14 which was nearly ten years ago. Which I didn't leave on so long because it was actually hurting more then getting the tattoo. So I had only left it on for like a minute. I don't notice any skin tightening at all so I don't know if it worked.Now these pictures are a day after. Which I have noticed my face is getting really tight and red. I have broke out from the process a little bit. But the TCA actually just pushed out all the other impurities. So I am kinda pleased on that behalf. Which I am not sure if it is actually 24hrs after but you can still see the difference in my skin from yesterday to today. I also applied jojoba oil to my face to keep it hydrated and almond oil with vitamin E which comes in a nice little chap-stick that I applied to my face. Which has helped with my face a lot. It soothes while moisturizing my skin. Feels amazing. I am still skeptical about putting chap-stick on my face but who cares. I just literally burned my face off. So I don't think anything is worse then that. lol. I am bright red but you could only tell when I didn't use flash since I was to lazy to get out of bed to take the pics and open the window for natural lighting. I will keep this updated daily until I have completed this TCA peel. Then I will be doing another peel of TCA since the 1 Dram has two applications. Which in the not so distant future I will actually have to buy a bigger size which I am thinking 1oz/30ml so that I can have many more peels ahead of me. I really just want to get rid of the tattoo so it may take up to ten applications. Some people have gotten it off in 6 but I don't mind reapplying every other week so that when I take my clothes off that I don't think of my ex. So this will be a great thing for me. I am super excited :D

Yes, It's been awhile

I am in a new town and new state. I have moved out of california to be with Jared. Everything out here was going amazing. I don't know what I did wrong and why everyone hates me. I hate what I have become. I am worthless and have no one except Jared. I don't do anything with my life and am unable to actually do anything. I wish for the best in so much for everyone but I am still unable to make do with what I have. I upset everyone around me. I just wish I had someone holding me. I need a life. Why am I never able to find it. I was a super happy person once. But I tend to always fuck it up. Life is never greener on the other side but yet I still fuck it up. When things go wrong and since I am so insecure. I feel as if I just have to go and run away or fuck other people. I don't understand this anymore. Why am I such a loser. Is myself being gay fucked up my life and if I just go to being straight that everything will just fall into place. I gained weight. I am 150 now. I am not that skinny lil thang anymore. I wish I had a ring on, I was wearing this CTR ring that always gave me the company I needed. It let me know that something or someone was out there watching me and that I should always be doing the right thing. Will that ever be good enough. I seam like I tend to depreas myself over Aaron still. I was in the suicide ward the other day. I took a couple pills and my bf at the moment went crazy. Now I have this outrageous bill that I will never be able to pay and I don't understand what I am going to do either. I need to be happy. I deserve to be happy and have what I want. Life in United States revolves around money. I wish I had it. I think everyone does. But when you're me to where if I had any job I would just keep it and make the best of it. I think this is the only thing standing in my way. I need a job to feel important. I don't have drugs anymore and alcohole isn't something I can be drinking 24/7. I need help. But yet to find help you have to have money. Everything is money money money. What to do. I wish they knew how to erase memories. I would erase everything and start out new. I need to learn to listen to Jared and understand that he is here for me and that is all I need.


Ps. I really hate bad Dreams

So halloween

May not be really there for me this year. I don't really have the wig that i need for it all. So for now that I am lost. Hey I thought this was really cute. So I just had to post this one :D

And also this is me the other day. Since you haven't seen me in some time.

ps.I am adorable

9.27.11

It has been nearly a month since I have updated this thing. I just wanted to be like. Wow. Ok being 21 has its ups and downs. And everything that I have expeierenced has not been the same from when I wasn't. Men are different. I feel like a old man. I also dislocated my knee on my birthday, which is still hurting because i think i dislocated it in my sleep like a week later or even two weeks later. I wish I knew what happened that night. But like always I have been blacking out. So now that I am of age. Things have changed in so many ways. Jessica looks at me like a fucking bitch that she just wants to use me for and when I don't she just gets upset that she doesn't get to that night because I am able to buy the beer and what not for everyone. But not just that. I need a job and everywhere that I have been looking has been nothing but a dead end. I need a job a apartment and a life. I want to have a husband and everthing back to normal again. I don't think this is possible anymore. I want to die. But anyway. Before all of that. I found a new man. His name is Andrew Johnson. Well. He is everything I have ever wanted in a man. He is so perfect that I feel like I am unable to please him in bed and that I should be and or something that I am not. I want to be his perfect everything but it is so hard to be what he wants because he sees everyone out here (west hollywood) as a sexy piece of ass. Tonight we went to a comedy thing and like everything went fine. I am a lil tipsy and everytyhing but like he told me that he was going to cut my head off a picture and paste it onto another picture of a man that was sexy as fuck. Wouldn't that hurt anyone in the first place i mean wtf. Like seriously. And after that he is talking about going and seeing his parents then going to mexico and having some craxy ass fun. asp. Without me. I mean who the fuck goes and says all this crazy ass shit and then thinks that he is the inisint one. Like seriously. What in the world is going on. Wow now he just said we watched limitless with me in the living room. First off. not me. And he wants to watch gnomeo and juliet. Well fuck that was the last movie Aaaron and I soll together. How sad would that be. So I am being this super bitch and just wanting to goto bed, because well I still love my husband and i want to be happy like that. Wow you know whats playing while i type this?!?!?! Enchanted happily ever after.


PEACE!!!!

ily Kenners.

I hope I make it another week....

My last day being 20.

Should I be a illegal drinker one last time of my life?!?! Lol wouldn't that be funny. Might as well live it up now and have my drinks at midnight

-Here is something that really sparked my eye. It was on charmed:

You only hate me because you once loved me. After all we all hate once someone

gotsen

close to us. Those who got close enough to touch our hearts

last day in florida

So I am here in Florida for the last time in awhile. I leave tomorrow and will arrive sometime at noon. I am really excited and also super sad that i am already leaving. If i could stay I would still be here right now and not planning this lame ass trip back to hell. But yet maybe it will all turn out good. I will be coming back in like two months which should be good. I mean if I do come back. I have been hanging out with this really sexy Italian man. He is older then me by like a whole decade but I think I like that better actually. He doesn't seam like a fauxe where he will just be another lame ass liar. Which he said he hates liars as well. So I am hopeing that he isn't one of those people. I want to be loved and not used for sex. So I am trying not to give it up. I just hope this doesn't back fire on me. I know that when holding back can be a problem cause then he might not think that I am into him completely. But This whole mis hap that I fucked his best friend when I came out here for gaydays. LOL! Well I didn't know that one cause he went by a different name then, then what he goes by now. So it isn't entirely my fault I guess. Well I have to get going where going out to Moon Fish and I am uber excited about this. Less then a week away to my bday. Aaron sent out his gift to me today. Really happy about that one. I am glad that he still cares in that aspect. Well I know that bitch will always love me he just wont tell me it cause we don't wanna make it a habit. Even though I can tel him I love him in a heart beat. And be completely happy with the decision of telling him. Anywho. Love ya if you read my drama. :D

Eight days away

So I have eight days until all the holidays start. This is going to be a really bad time for me. I don't want to be alone on the holidays. I just have no one else to spend it with. I don't have my ex husband Aaron anymore to be next to my side. So the holidays start off with my birthday then goes to Halloween. Then Nov 6 will be Aaron and mine fifth year anniversary. Well what could have been our fifth if we made it to it. The worst day ever. No idea how I am going to be able to handle that one. Other then being super wasted or drugged up somehow. Maybe that day will go out in a bang of death. Then Christmas is in December. Which I only had my Aaron for the last four times. I never even got a gift from anyone. I waited for a card with just simple nothings, but I never got that either. How fucking pathetic of a person to have a big family and no one recognizes that fact. It's uber shitty. Then new years first kiss then my poor Valentines day. February is the worst month ever for me. Never know how to do anything right to where I always fuck up my relationships over valrntines day. Be it a week or two weeks from it. I never let it down and get shitted on. I have a problem of true happiness. When I get excited and happy I get overwhelmed and become mean and rude. I still don't understand why I do this. It's gotta be a bipo thing. I just want to be happy in life. Then comes st pattys then Easter then spring then aarons bday. By that time he should already found a new love. If not already. Kinda pathetic that I love him still like I never lost him. But I know if I was in town. He wouldn't be able to resist. At least that's what I keep in my head. Last time I went to modesto we had sex and he told me he loved me and repeated Faak in my ear while he was making love to me. This was after the break up. I just wish I never did anything bad to him so that I can still have him. Is that a silly thing to wish and to want? So in life all I ever wanted is to have my husband and to have a family and a place to call home where I have a stable job. These four things are the missing pieces in my heart. I am unable to attain them. So when is it my turn to be happy again? Not just happy but when can all of my hopes and.dreams come true instead of them only being true when I fall asleep. Please let me know asap. I would def love an answer

Once again

I am stuck in the worst position of my life. I want to cry but I am masking it super hard. I keep pushing but nothing seams to ever really work. Why don't things ever work out like they should!?!?! I mean I pray and pray and pray but I still never find my right path in this life. Figured Florida would have been uber easier then what I thought. But it is the same bull shit. I just want to be happy and have a husband. A real man in my life with no bullshit. Seams like everyone I do find has some sort of emotional ties or some sort of cheating bull shit. It's time to live under Rock and die. Why cant someone actually just do it for me. When is my time?!?! God needs to determine this shit a lot faster cause this needs to just happen already. I do nothing right. I just don't understand it at all.

Perfectiones

I know that I am not perfect. Why strive for something that I can not ever become. I just wish I found that one man who does think that I am perfect. To bad that one I let go. I really miss my pooh bear

Mr.Romeo

This is a picture of me from the other day at the beach. Thought it was cute :D



Is doing it to me yet again. I can't belive that now he actually does want me to go. It is freaking crazy. I will be going to Alabama for a lil while I guess. So fucking happy right now. My birthday is around the corner. Omg I am uber stoked.I can't wait to sleep in his arms all night. I know this is going to be a lil crazy. But oh my. I am so fucking excited. You have no idea. This boy has my heart already. I know I am crazy to even think that right now. Should only be thinking like this after at least 6 months. Maybe it is that he reminds me of all the perfect qualities I want in a man. All though he is a lil ho. But I can look past that. Just the one thing he told me today really hurt but I still will go. I mean you don't tell someone that he has "friends" that he wants to hang out with whom may be potential boyfriends. HELLO!?!?! I am the potential. Unless I am nothing but just a guy to fuck and leave at the house while he goes and finds the real men. How insane!!! :/ But it is whatever. I am not going to let it bring me down. But I know he still plans on it all. I know I am going to be the one crying all day/night about it. That's what really sucks. Thinking about it makes me sad but actually being the guy to wait around like this is insane. Well I have turned my blogger into my own personal Diary. I would hate to know if anyone read what I type. But I have no one else to talk to so I secretly wish someone was reading so I keep it open. I just am lost in life. I wish I had a real man to be next to my side.

Tampa, Florida

So i am here again in Tampa and I am still wanting to get the Fuck out. Now I am the one looked upon like I am just the bitch. Wtf have I ever done that was this horrible. I just want to go back home so bad. But I did have fun. I don't understand why I don't get along with guys my age. I just wish I knew. But it never works. NO idea wtf is up their ass. Obviously not me so why be a bitch. Do i threaten all of the hos. Or what In the world have I ever done wrong to anyone except when I get so fucked up that I do say some stupid shit. But still Should not be that rude. I just want to find my life partner and this is all I am trying to do. That will never work because my life partner is already gone. The funny thing about last night is that I don't remember anyone's names. Is this really that bad? I wish I remember names cause I met some really amazing poeple. Sounds really shitty. Lol changing my story really fast. KInda really still drunk and hella burnt but this is me. And i have no one to talk to. So it is really hard to really want to understand how I feel. I feel like a old man trapped in a twink body. Hella ridiculous. I just want to go back to school. Understand life and have a real life. As of right now I think the only way for me to actually have a life is to enlist into some sort of service. I am actually up for it. But now what I did last night I have to wait extra longer. So KInda mad about that. I wish I could have said no more then just the 4 times but all the time. I took two. Why in the world am I that dumb. I didn't eat food at all yesterday. LOL!! I just drank away all day. This is so stupid of me I know. I just wish things where different. I booked my flight today to get the fuck out of Florida. I can't wait to gfet the fuck out of here. So I am flying out the 15th and I am flying out of Orlando and will be arriving in santa ana (orange county airport) I am glad and sad at the same time. Because not just am I going to be leaving this place but I am leaving an amazing place not just that. But I fell in Love in Tampa. With some fucking ass that I know I will never see again. I wish things where different. But I know I was just a fuck instead of actual love. He is a ho and I need to understand this. NO one my age actually wants to have a husband like I do. Except old men. Old men are nice and cute. yes. But are not boyfriend material. Well at least longer then a week or two. I do understand this. I love older men. But it will always just be lust for me and they don't understand this and think I just like them for their money. MONEY!! Of course it is nice but doesn't make you cute.

It's just a dream

Well. Things didn't work out. I was just used as a filler for him. I went to fast I guess. Being super vulnerable is my problem. I pushed him to hard and way to fast that I scared the fuck out of him. So Romeo will always just be a dream. I don't understand really what I did wrong. I feel like I was just to ugly for him. I don't have much to offer but my heart and a smile. Guys want someone who is already stable and has everything in life. I wasn't handed the golden egg growing up so I'm trying to do the best I can. My 21st bday is in the next month. I will enlist in the navy cause I know I can make a life in the service. It may be hard and difficult but I know this is my only option now. I don't want to have to work a job where I'm going nowhere in life. I just want to be happy. I just want to be able to have my own place and car and a nice job. I wish I had my family to lean on but that is absent too. I am such a pitty and a nut case. My future only means for me to be lonely. I can't handle gay men anymore. I should just get a wife from a different country and have kids. She would be loyal to me and bear children for me. Sounds like a great idea. Maybe. I just want to be deployed out and never see life again. I want to scrape the barnickles off the ship with a bunch of sexy navy men. I can't wait to enlist and get out into the world.

The new guy

I am laying in bed. Only slept like 4 hours. I can't get him out of ny head. This guys name is Mr.Romeo.  Omg like how much more better can that one get!?!?! Lol. Well I dunno what it is about this guy cause when I first met him I felt like I already loved and cared about this guy. My heart has those sparks again that I haven't felt since I was 16. The only problem is that I dunno where to start with him or what to do. Sounds silly right? Can't teach a old dog new tricks. Fuck!! Well the only problem is that he is way to good for me. He is everything I dreamed about and then some. He is a gorgeous man. I feel like I was in a relationship for so long that I dunno where to begin. I just get scared and then that turns into super omega bitchy Kenny. Lol. But this man is simply amazing. The funny thing is that I am a month older then him. This probably won't last long once he figures out who I am and that I have nothing to offer. I mean I wish my heart and a smile would be good enough. Probably not with this babe. I am even considering moving all the way to Alabama. Lmao. Did I really give up California or even Florida for Alabama!?!?! Am I that crazy. I mean this guy. When I soll him I felt like I loved him. I dream about him and he's always on my mind. This is crazy to be acting like this. I just can't decipher if its cause I think he is gorgeous. "love or lust" To me I would think in order to want to be with someone you have to want them in every aspect.

Oh Romeo oh Romeo. You stole my heart

So lost

As I sit here in Florida for the second time in my life within a month apart. I still can't think of anything else but my ex. I wish I could stop doing all of this but it still bothers me so much. I dunno how to let anyone into my heart cause it is so guarded. I was asked today if I ask all the things I ask was because I am the one who cheats. I just know how boys are and they talk to almost everyone they possibly can to feel whole when feeling empty. This is so sad that I think this way. I am so bitchy and messy I seam to never do anything right or correct or up to stAndards then everyone else. My belly is so disgusting, I have never felt so fat in my life. This guy is amazing, but I know I am not what he prefers. I have acne, I am hairy, and I don't have a perfect swimmers body. I feel so lost. Should I move out here or should I stay as lost and lonely in riverside. I have been moving around way to much. It is making me so depressed. I should have just went to Washington dc with my job. At least it would have been a job for me to carry on. I just wanna cry and cry and run away. But I can't. No money, no love, no home, no job, no perfect body, no perfect attitude. I see how everyone gets tired of me like yesterdays trash. So I look at myself like I am trash. I dunno who to talk to or who to run to. I don't use anyone but everyone says I do or thinks I do. I can tell the regret in your eyes. I wish I was dead. I wish I. Could just cast obliviate to my pictures to make myself disappear from everything I have ever done or anyone's thoughts. I need to die. I can't take it anymore. I have no family, no friends, Nd no love or life. Where does someone like me go, other then six feet under. Please god help me