We meet again...

My time this past year has really been mundane. Not doing to much. Been in a depression hell. This dark abyss that is so hard to conquer alone that this is my very reason why I am in this pit. How do you just let a quarter of you life go? How can you be happy without trying to find doppelgangers of your first true love. Why is it so hard to move on. Hell it has been years that we have no been together. Still the ever longing to even just to say Hi or even be back in his arms where home really felt. What did I do to deserve this four year streak of a endless journey that still has yet to end. I need human emotion like I need water and food. I can't survive or feel whole and complete without this. I grew up with my first love "Aaron" for over 7 or 8 years total but officially where together by each others side for 6. I miss my best friend. I just want to reminisce all of our memory we had together growing up. Most of what we accomplished where mile stones that non other have achieved at such a young age. Myself being alone since I was 13 and living in California alone without my mother or father, Her moving to Colorado and my father moving to Indiana. Left alone I strive to be the best kid I was. Using the doohboy pool water outside my backyard to flush the toilet. No electricity and begging people to use there showers. Until the bank came and foreclosed on my house by the time I was 14 with a padlock and sold every item that made me and my family whole. Aaron was there for me the entire way. He helped me with bus fair to get to jr high to support myself and walk the stage. He was even there for my when I went to about 14 different high schools. Never once letting my family get in trouble or any public school officials know what I was going through. It has been a constant battle in my life. I have yet to call a place home no more then three months at time. Sometimes a lot less. But for the past  10 years of this I would call that my average rate at each place. My mother and father where so caught up in their own world that there three children just couldn't budget. 5 people became 5 strangers. 5 people became an acquaintance and fear of despair. Although Things have changed just recently my mom is letting me stay with her for a bit, but It is not a welcoming stay. For which I am so desperate to get out of her hair and  let her be. Small tiny room in a trailer is not sufficient safety or security for one. As a grown male who is depressed with social anxiety and trans issues. It is hard to love myself when in fact all I love is my first love. Looking for him. Trying to find him. Trying to find my last hug and talk. A never ending search for someone who doesn't want me around. Barely having family I hold onto the hope and memories of what I call my Book of Smiles. I have this uncanny thing where I take many photos only when I am happy or feeling some great emotion. While I was with Aaron I accumulated well about one hundred thousand photos. While I was with him it never mattered. I was never used or abused and never mistreated. He truly loved me. Men these days just ruin me and it seams to get worse and worse. I pray everyday. I cry everyday. That I can have my day with him one last time. Just to be best friends for that single moment and laugh about all the adventures we had. From dating off myspace for two years. Then ending up going to the same high school together, Our first apartment at my age of 16 with going to high school full time and working double part time. We got our first apartment. Great place. I would travel 1200 miles again to go back to my first apartment in CO with him and laugh at the memory's. From following each other to wearing the same outfits daily and not just living together but also working side by side with each other. Starbucks was my fav. We both bounced ideas, or this one time we worked at McDonald's together and pretended to be brothers since it was a small hick town. Now that ended in disaster then someone walked in on us making out in the freezer. good times. walking miles in the snow with each other treading and holding each other to stay warm. Then we moved back to Cali where his mother took care of me for a bit while he got a bank job. Then it was Modesto junior college and our second apartment together. From my ties with real estate we had our 2 bedroom apartment for only 225 a month. Well it helped being the owners of the lot 's best friend and her mother loved me. So being a complex manager we barely even had to work and or do anything to succeed. I went to MJC and studied Administration of Justice. While he worked at his bank but helped me a lot since his father is internal affairs for the Modesto PD. Also his wife is also a detective but pretty sure she is also in internal affairs. These people inspired me. Made me want to be them. Gave me a real father to look up to and a real dream then just being called names from a redneck. My dream was to be a police office. Although I came in to something with a guy that when I am scared I do whatever they tell me to do. Something I would have never done in my right mind if I was not threatened. No body listened to me. No one understood my troubles of this horror and how I am where I am now. What's the point. Being lost in love that even if I jumped over that fence that was redone with diamonds that are impenetrable unlike the dead grass that I got when I thought it was greener in the first place. No body believes me that my conviction was out of me running away from a stranger because I was scared for my life. Only two days in a state and not knowing numbers and no phone how do people survive these days? I didn't plead the fifth because I am a good person and told the officers the truth. But didn't listen to me because he was training a new officer and didn't care about me. When someone begs for help then doesn't get it then why do we even have a system. I told the truth. So now my entire life has been taken away from me. What is someone who had dreams in being a cop or at least a correctional officer for delinquents who are in the system. So now I can't find any job depressed because i seek out the look a likes to ease my time.  But on that note. I can tell I am just a cash out to many people who have been trying to get at me. I am a happy caring loving person who just wants safety and security in life. I don't want to feel like a criminal because of a incident where I could have been dead from "actual real death threats" that once i got away I got away. No shoes roaming the streets. lost. Just looking for my mommy. Two major fails in my life. So now I dunno how I keep putting myself in the situations where these people are everywhere. That just use me, lie to me, and lately have been unknowingly drugging me. Yes I agree on doing drinking and accept this and that. But I was always told lies that its nothing bad. Or I have to sit there and listen to people create stories in their head out loud. I don't even understand why people would make up stuff and say it out loud like it had actually happened. I am observant. And when people start acting crazy I treat crazy how they want to be treated. With full understanding and the reassurance that yes whatever you think in your mind is to be true then go for it. I know the truth. I know that I am just a good little nerd just searching for my pooh bear. In the end. It may just lead me to my 100 acre forest where I can finally meet my personification love of stuffed animals wearing short shorts.




rant 101



lost :/ help find me