Aaron

I dunno what I do wrong inside my head. I still hold onto things that I should never. I still love things that I have no reason in loving. I find myself so lost these days then I have ever. It has been longer then I have known then what I should have understood. I am so lost. These past two months have been the hardest of my life then I have ever. I try to avoid using that facebook from seeing someone else's happiness but all I ever want to do is check to see if someone is still single. Or every other site that I know they are on. I am ruined inside. What do you do when the love of your life is not yours. The one you built the world with and he is still miles and miles apart. So far gone I am sure he never even thinks of me. I am sure he might but not as much as I do. I mope around feeling so lost that I am not by his side or that we aren't doing everything that they are doing now. I hurt myself seeing this. I hurt myself seeing that they are doing everything we did together. Wasn't that something that we did together. Did I mean anything? I miss my best friend. You have no idea how hard it has been for me. We spent over 4 years together and then after we split up we still talk for over a year then all I know is that it's gone. He just finds someone else to be proud about and leaves me in the dust. I hurt. No one cares about me. I am just lost. I am going no where in life anymore. With him I was someone and people where proud of me for everything that I have accomplished even though that was little. Aaron truly is the love of my life and in my heart is my husband. How do people just run away from what is really there. I miss everything about him. Even though he hates me, and I am a bipo bitch. I just wish I was in his arms again. So now I just drink to try to live in the moment since I live in the past. When I had soll him last was in may and it was amazing. We hung out and lived our life again with each other for those 3 hours. He sang to me and made me feel just at home when we sat next to each other and sorta cuddled a little bit. Seeing everything in his apartment that was ours and everything that we worked hard for together to keep and acquire. Just to know that some guy is inside our home taking it all away from me. He doesn't understand the memories we have. Does my baboo even understand that even the queen bed he sleeps on from the house of Griswold and his brother being crazy with the noodles down the drain when we brought it into the living room all the time. Or those parsons tables. Our first apartment in Colorado after you lived at my moms house with me and we began such an amazing life together. To both of the desks. The black one was mine that I bought with Financial Aid and you built it even though you broke it was perfect and the brown one when I tried to buy you the metal desk that you wanted from wal-mart your mother went behind my back and got you that instead for you from target for Christmas. To the mosaic painting that I spent weeks trying to find that is hung up. The two black picture frames from 2 years of valentine days that are still up just without pictures of us in it. To all the clothes you wear still. Your main facebook profile right now where you are on a trip with the ho wearing the shirt that meant so much to me and us. The KREW shirt. You know why it is important. Did you wear that and think about everything. I feel like it hurt that you let some other guy touch you while wearing that shirt. To the tie rack that you touch everyday for work. Am I still in your heart somewhere? The entire Kitchen of random stuff that we shared together. It hurts me the most that you bring other guys into the home we built together. I still remember when we where able to finally get our place together in Modesto. Getting the key and sitting in the empty apartment.

To all the birthdays we spent together and the last ones I was unable to be there for. I couldn't even say happy birthday until you hung up on me. I miss you Aaron. I miss us. I miss my Baboo. I miss my chubby hubby. I miss calling you duck. I miss your cute smile you give me with the pillow and you look up. I miss your hand holding mine. I miss your arm around me every night. I miss how smart you are and everything I asked you knew the answer to and helped me out. I miss how whenever I needed you you where right there to find me, I miss how we would just talk for days hell we talked non stop for over 5 years, our 9 hour conversations on the phone when I was in san jose, 98 degrees I will always love you, time after time quietdrive, Picture Filter, Ratatouille, Mogaley and Mr Bear, the long kisses we would enjoy together, the amazing sex, our adventurers we had, the drunken moments, the endless talks about the life we would have, sharing the things we wanted together, buddy & sasha, I miss that you where my best friend my love my night and shinning armor and not just that but you where all mine. [FAAK]

July?!?!

Wow today is the 9th of july already. I have no idea how time always goes by so darn fast. So now life for me has changed so much and I am fed up with all my decions that I have made. I have been doing summer school for two classes. I ended up getting both D's :/ ugh. I know right. I didn't try that hard and I was on vacation for half the semester. I didn't try as hard because I told myself I wasn't good enough and that I didn't have the textbooks for both of them. Which I could have had if my school sent me the money for it. Well wow. Now I am happy. I just checked my school transcripts and I got two C's!! Fuck yes. I will take C's any day over a D! I have this problem with my life now. I want to move to Florida but I have built such a great foundation out here in Utah with Jared. If I leave him to go out to Florida I dunno if we would be together. Ya, it would last for a week or even up to a month. How I don't trust men would always get in the way of everything. So knowing that he may be already cheating on me I would just forget him and go and do the same even though he may not be doing it, I can't stop my heart from thinking what it thinks. To myself I belive I should just stay here and tuff it up and be a college student like everyone else has. I am still lost in this world and don't know what is going to happen to me. I think I am going to stay here with Jared. It kills me to even want to be away from someone who loves me and who I love back. It also scares me that I am in love and that it makes me want to run. I dunno why I always get like this. I wanna run but yet I wanna run back into there arms. I did this with Aaron and it never went well. I still love my Aaron babycakes but that is in the past. I should have learned from all of that and put that into my relationship now. I don't know what I am going to do. I just want air conditioner so that makes me want to run by it's self. lol. I need someone to tell me what to do. I wish I could text aaron and talk to him about me. He always knew how to help me out and do what I needed to do. For now I am lost