The pain

No one sees me in pain. I hid it from the world. I should be asking for help. But I live in no where with no one to talk to. The one person who actually was their for me is no longer. What do I do? Where do I go from here? Should I just keep working to pay off ky own funeral? Save for a casket and everything I would need. Since I wouldn't be able to go anywhere else. I have no one. People act like they care just cause they have to because its family. I don't have friends who like me or care to see me. My life is pathetic. I need my Aaron. I really believe I might not make it out of 2011 alive. I need someone to care for me and to love me and to call me. I pay for a cell phone just to have the internet and music. No one calls me. No one texts me unless I text them or its a holiday. The only people who call me is telemarketing people. But i get excited when that happens. Cause I have someone calling me and asking for me. So I talk to them for a minute before I tell them. I'm not interested in what their selling. I constantly dream and hope to be back in his arms but it will never happen again. I know he didn't want me anymore and was already talking to other people, was just waiting for me to go away. It's life right? I don't have one. I had him and he made me have a family, friends, love, a true lover and giver,.a real man who was always their and helped me understand life and showed me life and love and was my parent, he was my model in life. Now who do I look up to? I don't have Ny figures in this world like I did back at home. My life is now nothing. Should I ride it out to see how life will be and just hit 21. But I don't wanna be alive on my 5th year anniversary with out my husband. How painful would that be. I don't even want to start a new life with anyone. Why? How do I explain who I am when I don't know who I am because I was all Aaron. I look up high for answers but I am not finding them just yet. Life is gone for me and I am empty. I just need to be in his arms again