So lost

As I sit here in Florida for the second time in my life within a month apart. I still can't think of anything else but my ex. I wish I could stop doing all of this but it still bothers me so much. I dunno how to let anyone into my heart cause it is so guarded. I was asked today if I ask all the things I ask was because I am the one who cheats. I just know how boys are and they talk to almost everyone they possibly can to feel whole when feeling empty. This is so sad that I think this way. I am so bitchy and messy I seam to never do anything right or correct or up to stAndards then everyone else. My belly is so disgusting, I have never felt so fat in my life. This guy is amazing, but I know I am not what he prefers. I have acne, I am hairy, and I don't have a perfect swimmers body. I feel so lost. Should I move out here or should I stay as lost and lonely in riverside. I have been moving around way to much. It is making me so depressed. I should have just went to Washington dc with my job. At least it would have been a job for me to carry on. I just wanna cry and cry and run away. But I can't. No money, no love, no home, no job, no perfect body, no perfect attitude. I see how everyone gets tired of me like yesterdays trash. So I look at myself like I am trash. I dunno who to talk to or who to run to. I don't use anyone but everyone says I do or thinks I do. I can tell the regret in your eyes. I wish I was dead. I wish I. Could just cast obliviate to my pictures to make myself disappear from everything I have ever done or anyone's thoughts. I need to die. I can't take it anymore. I have no family, no friends, Nd no love or life. Where does someone like me go, other then six feet under. Please god help me