Yes, It's been awhile

I am in a new town and new state. I have moved out of california to be with Jared. Everything out here was going amazing. I don't know what I did wrong and why everyone hates me. I hate what I have become. I am worthless and have no one except Jared. I don't do anything with my life and am unable to actually do anything. I wish for the best in so much for everyone but I am still unable to make do with what I have. I upset everyone around me. I just wish I had someone holding me. I need a life. Why am I never able to find it. I was a super happy person once. But I tend to always fuck it up. Life is never greener on the other side but yet I still fuck it up. When things go wrong and since I am so insecure. I feel as if I just have to go and run away or fuck other people. I don't understand this anymore. Why am I such a loser. Is myself being gay fucked up my life and if I just go to being straight that everything will just fall into place. I gained weight. I am 150 now. I am not that skinny lil thang anymore. I wish I had a ring on, I was wearing this CTR ring that always gave me the company I needed. It let me know that something or someone was out there watching me and that I should always be doing the right thing. Will that ever be good enough. I seam like I tend to depreas myself over Aaron still. I was in the suicide ward the other day. I took a couple pills and my bf at the moment went crazy. Now I have this outrageous bill that I will never be able to pay and I don't understand what I am going to do either. I need to be happy. I deserve to be happy and have what I want. Life in United States revolves around money. I wish I had it. I think everyone does. But when you're me to where if I had any job I would just keep it and make the best of it. I think this is the only thing standing in my way. I need a job to feel important. I don't have drugs anymore and alcohole isn't something I can be drinking 24/7. I need help. But yet to find help you have to have money. Everything is money money money. What to do. I wish they knew how to erase memories. I would erase everything and start out new. I need to learn to listen to Jared and understand that he is here for me and that is all I need.


Ps. I really hate bad Dreams