new life

I don't know what is going to be for me when I get out of here.

Do I even remember being able to be my own person?


I rely on Aaron for so much. Even the little things. Everything I look at or even here or taste I think of Aaron. We spent over 4 years together. Being insuperable. I have experience my entire growing up ages with him, I am not sure if I can do this alone. Who will I become or what am I even going to do in my life. All the goals I have thought I had are all gone now. Everything is blank. I am writing on a new peice of paper in my life and I dunno if I want to rip it or keep writing my story.

Even though we are not together. I really do love Aaron with all my heart. I may be the bipolar bitch that has problems. But in this world who doesn't fuck up, we are only human and humans fuck up daily. No one can be perfect. All in all I wish him the best of luck. I don't know how I am going to do this with out him. I just want to make sure he is going to be happy. If he isn't going to be happy then maybe he will need me back. Someday I hope he could forgive me. This is probably highly unlikely. We all grow up, and I know it is time for me to continue school or if that goes under then go into the Navy then come back and finish school. The hard thing is that, With all of this hope I would still end up back in Modesto for at least over a year just so I can finish up my school. I could finish up what ever I can online so that when I come back I can get myself a job and only have to take like 2 classes that are mandatory. I feel bad that I am going to have to fail 2 classes. These other 4 classes are kicking my ass, But I need to try and succeed at them. I will, but I need so much help that Aaron does for me.

He is the reason why I wake up Happy every morning. Because I usually wake up cuddling with him and sleeping next to his cuteness. I will miss his touch, his love, the way he looks at me, the smiles he gives me, the unconditional hope that transpires to take care of me more then himself, the way he could always make me smile and laugh when I am crying or down, when im stressed he always found a way to fix my problems. This list can go on forever. 5 years of built up emotions. I am losing more then a lover, I am losing my best friend. I have never knew anyone as much as I knew him. And I never let anyone know as much as he did, we really did connect on so many levels. Life is a bitch and I can't belive I ruined it. But this has been comming for me for awhile now. I just need to understand and learn from this, and not let my crazy bitchyness get out of control.


I don't think I ever want to date anyone else. I can't even think about that. Starting new with someone else is just not the answer for me. I know I am going to be singele for awhile